Dear Mama

Maybe it is because I am older and life’s experiences have taught me a thing or two, but I have found that for many Mother’s Day is not so joyous.  Through my relationships with others, I have encountered individuals who did not have the same experience of having a loving, caring warm mother like mine.  And, as I get older, many of my friends have lost a mother in death and the pain of losing her seems unbearable.  My heart and prayers continue to be with you.

No Such Thing as Mother’s Day

Celebrating Mother’s Day in my household wasn’t the norm.  For religious reason, my family did not celebrate any holidays.  But not celebrating Mother’s Day did not negate the fact that my mother was and to this day is very special, and dear to me and my sister.  Mom never received flowers on that day, any special lunches nor dinners, any special acknowledgment, gifts, cards from my sister, me nor daddy.  But somehow, someway, she knew that she was loved not just on that day but every day.  And although she did not receive any special accolades, she still loved and nurtured all of us unconditionally.  She taught us all the things that good mothers teaches, filling our spirits with encouragement, disciplining us when needed, and taking care of each of our needs as if they were carved in her soul to abide by. 

Now before you start to fret, know that there was many times my family celebrated. My parents took time to travel and be with one another just because.  But while the world was celebrating this special day, mommy carried on doing exactly as she had done on any other day…taking care of us, without complaint…and that is one of the main reasons that I truly love and admire her.

Love What Is, and Not What Was 

No, not everyone is/was a good mother.  For the individuals, who as a child suffered through bad experiences, abuse and abandonment know that it was not your fault.  Take the time to fill the holes of your broken spirit, meaning take the steps that need to be taken to make yourself complete.  Seek professional counseling, love those who have been in your life and supported you through the years.  Love what is, not what was! 

I could write a dissertation on why your mom was not the mother she should have been, but that doesn’t matter nearly as much as who you are today, and the steps you are about to make (or making) to become the complete person you are destined to be.  So do the work, it will not erase your past, but you’re not trying to do that…you are trying to build your future.

Physically Gone, but Never Forgotten

January of this year, I almost lost my mother.  What seemed like routine knee replacement took a wrong turn and almost ended her life.  I cannot imagine losing her! But then I began to think about all my friends that have lost their mother’s in death.  I am here to tell you that I see her in you.  When we go out to dinner, conservations at work, when reading Facebook post of events or details in your life with your children and family, I see her in YOU, because those things are only things a mother would say, teach and do. She lives on in YOU…be proud and embrace it.  

So as this day comes and goes, whether you reflect fondly or not, whether you are a mother or not, know that that it’s all about love, and one can never go wrong doing that.  Until next time lovelies…

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra


 

OH THE RACHETNESS, the High Price of Fame…How Far Would You Go?

A few weeks ago, the blogosphere was taken aback from a snippet of the sex tape that was supposedly “leaked” of Love and Hip-Hop reality star Mimi Faust and her boyfriend Nikko London (Smith) whatever.  Here’s how the story goes, Mimi and Nikko, now a couple, love to tape their sexual escapades for their own viewing pleasure.  Oddly enough, this particular escapade gets out somehow and lands right on the desk of Vivid Productions, a well-known company that distributes adult content.  Mimi and Nikko have no earthly idea how the tape got there, but are now promoting, marketing and selling their sex tape on- line, DVD and whatever else they can get their hands on for profit.  Sounds stupid?  Well it is!

Now there are two things that I have no problem with…people who watch adult content, and the people who make adult content.  It’s not my designer bag so I don’t have to carry it!  What I do have a problem with is when people try to act as if they are completely innocent and know nothing about an adult film; they starred, in choreographed and sold to the highest bidder!  Kim Kardashian’s tape was leaked, Mimi’s tape appears to have been packaged with a neat little bow and handed directly to the distributor!  As a matter of fact, Vivid Productions is the same company that distributed the Kardashian tape.  Now I say that Kim’s tape was leaked because this woman sued Vivid Productions due to the fact that the tape was sold without her permission or consent.  Kim later dropped the case and received an unspecified amount of cash in the settlement, plus Vivid Productions ceased production of the tape.  Clearly Kim was upset over the whole thing.  Mimi on the other hand is pushing forward with the distribution of the tape and clearly not as upset as one might be if their “personals” were being shown on the internet and distributed nationwide on hard copy.  If you were Mimi, wouldn’t you want to find out who leaked the tape, how much they were compensated, and beat their tail before contacting the production company and informing them they are about to get sued?  I’m just saying.

Television personalities, radio hosts and bloggers have gotten on the bandwagon speaking their mind on how a 40 something year old mother of one could do such a thing this late in life and the ramifications this may have on her 3-year old daughter as she goes through life.  There have been some valid points made but…it’s not my cup of Earl Grey tea so I don’t have to sip it! When it comes to that, my only hope is that her daughter grows up to be a well-adjusted young woman who is somehow unaffected by her mother’s past actions and acrobatic moves in the bedroom and bathroom, and that she, (the daughter) will live a happy, healthy well productive life.

The motivation behind the couple’s shameless marketing tactics of a “leaked” sex tape is baffling to me.  If it was intended for personal viewing and it is now public, wouldn’t you be trying to shut it down instead of promoting it?  But as Miss Faust alluded to on her Instagram page, "it’s no one business what I do"… and she is absolutely right, it’s not.  BUT, when you deliberately make that type of content and place it in distribution including the internet for all to see well, you have made it everyone business and will get commentary like this so deal with it!   And that’s my little red wagon and I’ll be the one pulling it!  Until next time lovelies…

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra


 

SPILLING TEA…The New Gossip

 

You can’t go anywhere or watch any type of reality show without hearing the phrase “Spill the Tea”.  In fact, the reality shows we watch today (yes, I watch reality shows) are built on the premise of spilling the tea.  Spill the Tea simply means to “gossip”. Everyone has spilled some.  At times, I have been guilty of it myself.  I thought about the circumstances in which I found myself spilling tea, and I also thought about what I needed to do to stop it:

Girlfriend Tea
Danger, danger, danger…because tea is being spilled all over the place!  Whether it is two individuals or in a group, women have a tendency to tell each other about their lives AND the lives of others.  When I am with girlfriends, I realize that if I am not careful, I would be putting my two cents in on something that has absolutely has nothing to do with me and mines.  Consider this so as not to feed into the fury of talking about others.

1.       Take the high road – let your comments begin and end on positive note.

2.       Shut Up – say nothing; let others say what they want.  In time, they will see that you are not partaking in the conversation and the conversation will soon change.

3.       Tell them about it – simply be bold enough to say “we are getting ready to talk about something we know nothing about so let’s just nip it right now”.

Water Cooler Tea
Coworkers can be viewed as extended family members.  Think about it, we see them almost every day and in addition to working together they partake in celebrating the milestone in our lives such as birthdays, births, and promotions.  Coworkers grieve and sympathize with us during bad times such as in the times of sickness and even death.  Believe it or not, coworkers share our lives one way or another.

Water cooler tea is the worst type of tea because  information received usually does not come directly from the source.  It has been passed around the office by several individuals and by the time it gets to you it’s only a version of the truth. STAY CLEAR of water cooler tea!  Do not participate in it, it often leads to bad reputations and strained employee relationships.  It could also hinder promotion within the company.

Family Tea
 There is nothing like hearing all the latest news about the family.  Every family has a particular family member who knows everything about anyone in the family.  Most times, this person has good intentions and has the family’s best interest at heart.  If through the spilling of tea you find that a family member is in trouble, do what you can to offer assistance in the matter and if this is done, let it be in confidence.  Don’t feed into spilling of family tea.

Our relationships with family, friends and coworkers are some bonds that we want to make sure remain healthy.  Our conversations should be up lifting, positive and encouraging, and should anyone tell us anything in confidence we should honor them by keeping the conversation private.  So the next time you are tempted to spill the tea, ask yourself “would I like it if someone was talking about me like that?” When you look at it like that “spilling the tea” is a big mess you would want to avoid.

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra

 

Wudda, Cudda, Shudda!

If you are thinking to yourself that by now you should have done this, or could have done that, you are defeating yourself!  Thinking about the past does not move you forward.  But yet, some think this phrase is motivating.  This thought is one of the reasons why you haven’t gotten any further than you are right now.

Says Who?

You say “you should be further along than this”, and I say…”Who says?”  If the opportunity, position, spouse, relationship, or family was handed to you right now, what would you do?  Do you know?  All I am saying is this, saying that we should be at a certain point in our life just because we are at a certain age or in a certain career does not mean that we would have known how to handle it.  What do you have in place that has prepared you for the transition? 

·         When you get the position, along with the new and challenging projects, are you ready for new team members?  What behaviors would you leave behind or take to your new team?

·         When you get that full-time committed relationship, are you willing to make unselfish sacrifices without complaining? Are you really ready for someone to occupy your space on a full-time basis?

·         When you become parent, are you ready to unselfishly give up your lifestyle as you know it and embrace all that comes with parenthood?

Want vs. Purpose

There is always a void in your life when your wants are not aligned with your purpose.  Before saying where you think that you should be first, figure out your purpose in life.  Finding your purpose is a time consuming journey. Not everyone can be president, but everyone can contribute to the world in one way or another.  As you find your purpose in the world you also begin to walk into what has been destined for you to obtain and grow to.  Find your purpose…find your life.

Your Thoughts Govern Your Actions

Being mindful of how our thoughts are manifested in by words, we would be careful with our thinking.  If you are always staying to yourself and others “I know that I should be further along than this”, you are actually complaining and doubting the place where you are right now.  Be grateful for where you are at the moment and plan your next move with purpose and not desperation. How you phrase your words makes all the difference in the world.

A defeated mentality gets you nothing but defeat, so stop living in the past and leave the wudda, cudda and shudda behind.

Peace and Blessings,

Phaedra


 

I BELIEVE...DO YOU?

Have you ever been in a head space where it took all you had just to put one foot in front of the other just to move forward?  A day where there is so much on your mind that as you were thinking about one thing, you didn’t even realize a switch in your train of thought?   When spiritually you know that “this too shall pass” but you have allowed your earthly eye to see your current situation in the most negative light, which only magnifies the pressures of life, and sends those reflections throughout your body, into your brain so that it begins to implant that negativity into your heart?  If so, it is at that moment you should be shouting, yelling, no, screaming the two most powerful words in the universe.  Those words are…I BELIEVE!

These two words evoke power and strengthen the process of speaking, and bringing the things ordained for you into existence.  Just like a chiropractor would perform exercises to bring your body into alignment, speaking these two words brings our mind, body and soul back into alignment.  We begin to adjust to what was said by acting accordingly.  Now, I don’t know about you, but the best way for me to see light is to hear light.  My “I BELIEVE” affirmation re-builds, reinforces, reassures, invigorates and propels me to keep on going. Here is one of my “I BELIEVE” affirmations.  I am interested in reading yours, please feel free to write me at atlrealliving@gmail.com and tell me yours.

 I BELIEVE in…

God
Love
Family
Forgiveness
The power of one
The strength of two
The success of many
Happiness
Moments
My abilities
My good health
My financial strength

Peace and blessings,
Phaedra



 



 

I Hurt, You Hurt – The Power of Forgiveness

I heard the phrase “I hurt, you hurt” years ago from a friend, who at the time was going through a divorce and had received paperwork from her soon-to-be ex-husband’s lawyer requesting settlement of their impending divorce.  Through her anger, hurt and frustrations she uttered those words vowing to make their divorce most uncomfortable divorce ever…and it was.  The gift of forgiveness was not known to me at the time, and I ignorantly co-signed this sentiment along with her by saying “a girls’ gotta do what a girls’ gotta do. And through the years as I experienced hardships and trials; some from my own doing and some not, subconsciously adopted the same attitude.  I didn’t want to physically hurt others, but I did not want them to do well nor did the thought of forgiveness EVER cross my mind.

A person’s not forgiving or caring to forgive brings more hurt and pain in life.  And while it is simple to say, forgiveness is very hard to do.  You may be like me in that when I hear something that resonates with me, my next question is “How”?  How does one begin to forgive, it is more than merely saying I am sorry.

·         Follow Your Belief System’s Teachings on Forgiveness

·         Have a Forgiving Mindset

·         Forgiveness is Give,  Not Necessarily Take

What Does Your Belief System Say About Forgiveness?
Every belief system has advice on forgiveness.  For years, I read in the bible on how to forgive one another, but seldom practiced it.  The question is… do we practice what we preach?  Do we even attempt to practice it or are we so bogged down in our hurt and pain that we overlook what we have been raised to believe?  Hebrews 4:12 says “The word of god is alive and sharper than any two-edge sword and judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart”.  With a word this powerful, why not start there seeking and putting into practice what we need to do in order to forgive.

Have a Forgiving Mindset

When wronged, we tend to focus on the wrong doer’s actions and intent, and forgiveness is not thought about at this point.  I’m not saying that the wrong should be dismissed, and that it should not be investigated and discussed, but in addition to why it happens, an immediate thought of how to resolve it should be in the forefront. The sooner we have in our heart to forgive, the better our situation becomes.

Forgiveness is Give,  Not Necessarily Take

There are times when we have been wronged, and there are times when we are the wrong doers.  Forgiveness is a two way street and it is give and take.  Sometimes, when we have committed the wrong and need to ask forgiveness from someone else, the person on the other end does not accept our forgiveness.  And I want you to know that it’s okay.  Forgiveness is a two-way street, you travel down your street to seek, say and mean it, and it’s up to the other person to travel up their street to hear, accept and mean it.  So travel your street with honesty and integrity, and let the other person travel theirs. 

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra


 

I Make More Money Than My Man

In the dating world, the phrase “dating down” is often used.  Many think of dating down as meaning one person in the relationship brings more financially to the table than the other.  Quite often we see this when a financially secure male rescues and marries the female who is struggling just to make ends meet.  Times have changed in that women are seeing the fruits of their labor mature and are making salaries comparable to their male counter parts, but the dating pool of men who are considered a financial fit is shrinking at alarming rates.  And in Atlanta, you are bound to run into this situation. So I have to wonder… Is there a problem with dating a man who make less money than you? 

Tip #1 - Be Honest with Yourself
If you prefer not to date or marry a man who makes less than you, don’t get involved with anyone making less.  It’s not that you are a bad person, this is your belief and you have that right!  Don’t settle for what you are not comfortable with.  You will not be happy if you choose to pursue this, and it will cause serious problems for you and him.  I’m just saying.

Tip #2 - He Who Has the Money Makes the Rules
In one word, the above mentioned title means “control”.  I know that it sounds a bit harsh but usually that is the way it goes.  It is difficult as a money and decision maker to hand over the reins to a person who doesn’t do that in the corporate world.  Being in control at all times can make a woman appear masculine and emasculates the male.

 – Right off the bat…take money out of it.  Discover each other’s strong suits and build off that.  Example, he budgets well and can enjoy life’s pleasures, then he would be the one in charge of planning dinners, outings and vacations.  There are all types of controls to be shared in a relationship find them, respect them and build off of them.

Tip #3 - Set Realistic Expectations

Skiing in the South of France, weekend trips to Morocco, dining in Rome…not going to happen like that!  You are involved with a man who has limited resources, why would you expect him to do those things? Hell, have you even done those things yourself? 

-  Setting realistic expectations and knowing what your mate can and cannot do at that time, makes it easier to enjoy them.

Tip #4- Maintain a Level of Respect

Just because he earns less does not make him less, just like your earn more doesn’t make you more.  Be respectful of each other’s feelings and situations.  No one wants to be disrespected about their current situation.

 -  A very key important feature should you decide to date a man who makes less than you is to make it your business.  Girlfriends DO NOT need to know all of your business.  Sometimes, their input can be a hindrance, you are fully competent in communicating your wants and needs to him without outside rumblings from the peanut gallery.

TIP #5 – Trouble Don’t Last Always

Today he is down, tomorrow he may be up.  That just means that you never know what God has in store for you and your mate.  If you have chosen correctly, you chose a man who is capable of meeting all of your needs whether it is now or in god’s appointed time. 

- Don’t give up on him, and know that he is watching your examples of success.  He knows what type of woman you are and what it takes to lead you.  He is not doing this by himself, he has help.

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra