Welcome to Living in Atlanta: Love Never Fails

Welcome to Living in Atlanta: Love Never Fails: For the woman who is asking herself if she made the right decision – the answer is…yes, you did.  For the woman who is asking are my...





 

Love Never Fails

For the woman who is asking herself if she made the right decision – the answer is…yes, you did.  For the woman who is asking are my children going to be okay? – the answer is…yes, they are.  For the woman who wonders what her family thinks about her? – they see your strength thru your tears.  For the woman who wonders will love ever come to me again? – my dear, love never fails

Often, when a marriage or a relationship ends one hears the phrase “they fell out of love”.  That phrase sounds elusive as if something you never really had was lost.  It’s as if you had it, but you let it go…you failed to keep it alive.  I used to think that I failed at love, I ended relationships and even ended a marriage, and all those feelings came upon me at once and stayed with me along time after. I had thoughts like: will my divorce somehow cripple my daughter emotionally if she didn’t have the two-parent upbringing like I did?  Am I putting undue worry on my family now that I’m a single parent?  Did I do this love thing right?  What did I miss, didn’t see, where did I fail?  

I settled into single parenthood and started doing the best I could, pulling from the greatest examples I know, my parents.  Also, I stopped taking the responsibility upon myself as if only I was responsible for this nonfeasance. I grew strong and a little wiser with each experience. I fell down and got back up again, eventually I hit my grown-woman stride.

While shopping one Saturday afternoon, in one of my favorite stores home décor section, I saw a wall plaque which read LOVE NEVER FAILS.  Those words were no surprise for me they were taken from a scripture in the bible which I have read time and time again.  This scripture is recited at wedding ceremonies as the attributes of love are described to the bride and groom as a moral guideline for the treatment of each other.  But then it dawned on me that if loves never fails, then love can never leave, it can never die and you will never be without it.  It also occurred to me that we have personalized love so much so that when the person standing in front of us is no longer standing there, we feel like love has failed us.  It occurred to me that we love in pieces.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not making light of breakups…they hurt.  I am not saying that you shouldn’t be disappointed, angry, cry when a breakup occurs, the can’t eat, can’t sleep can’t function thing happens, it’s okay.  Take your time and breathe.   I’m saying that if you begin to look at your entire life as love, and not compartmentalize it, not attaching ownership to it, you will begin to see love in its totality and not its individuality.  It is through that you can then begin to learn the difference between what has ended, and what has simply changed. 

Until next time my lovelies, always remember, “there’s only love”!

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra

Transcending Black Love Publicly...Part 1

The movie, The Black Panther spoke volumes to me.  Not only did this movie depict the beautiful culture and landscape of Africa, it also shined a spotlight on the supporting characters, in this case black women who were skillfully cut from the back story and placed in the front to become a representation of who black women are. These women, along with an army of female warriors were formed into one large representation of “the” black woman. I am amazed how this appeared on the big screen and appreciative towards the directors, writers and actor’s ability to subliminally place this in the forefront of our minds…but then again, I wondered if black men saw what I saw?  If I had to judge by the comments from black men on my Face Book page, I would say not, as their comments appeared to be about the fierce fighting skills of only one-character, General Okoye.  But the funny thing is that the observation of her character was only physical and sadly enough, those men missed the mark on who she is and who we are.

But then again, isn’t that indicative of how many black men view black women?  Single strength in the face of danger a black woman produces results.  She alone taking care of the needs of others in the home, the black woman produces results; the black woman makes a way out of no way and black men know what black women are capable of because they have experienced it.  But, all too often, their knowledge, admiration and appreciation of us fails to transcend over into their personal loving space.   This is one of the many reasons why President and Mrs. Obama was so important to us (black women).  Being the leader of the free world and all eyes on him, anything he wants he is the first to receive it, he’s was the President dammit who better than him to get that kind of treatment.  For eight years black women watched as he made his way through all the pomp and circumstance, racial hate, global issues, and stupid insane tactics people threw in his face, and yet he purposely and instinctively had Michelle by his side, she never was a step behind him, he always considered especially in public, HER first. There was not step that he made whether on the White House lawn, walking to and from Air Force One, even getting out of the limousine, that he didn’t consider her first.  Isn’t it funny, that for him, the one everyone caters to, transferred this attention to Michelle?  Their strength, love and respect for one another transcended outside of the White House gates and was made visible to the outside world and presented their union as a united front.  In hard times and good times, they did it together.  And my loves, isn’t that what we want?  To be at his side, to be made visible as a united front inside and outside of the home?

The comedian Mo’nique and her man-ager husband, Sidney Hicks is another couple that comes to my mind who portrays unity outside the confines of their home in a relationship. I take no issue in the type of relationship they have (it’s rumored they have an open marriage), I take no issues with what they are fighting for (their cause of racial, gender and age bias against Netflix), but what I am saying is that Monique and Sidney fight and live on a unified front, and everyone knows it and complain about it.  If she’s getting the accolades, he does to, if she’s getting the hate and push back so does he and together they fight in unity…publicly.  Is that such a bad thing?

But how do we transcend and make this a practice in our relationships when many of us do not see this as an issue? I think back to my parents and the elders in my family, when you saw Uncle Oliver, you saw Aunt Maysha, when you saw Uncle Don, you saw Aunt Dottie.  You saw them holding hands, dancing together at parties, traveling together and running a business together.  I’m sure they had some difficult moments, but we never saw it.  They were without a doubt unified couples.   

I often wonder what the effect of this non-transcendence will or has had on our children for the past few centuries?  Are our little black boys learning how not to be inclusive with their women and to compartmentalize what each female gets?  Mom is treated like this, auntie this way and sister that way, and oh wifey…this way.  Are our little black girls being taught that they are only to be “strong” black” women and they have to carry the load of life themselves?  Personally, I don’t want my grand daughter to be a strong black woman, I want her to be a “smart” black woman, and I want my grandson to know his strength and to be inclusive in his relationships, I want him to know that with “her” at his side at home and in public, he is a stronger man for it.  But they must choose the right person to partner with who knows and practices the same ideas…and that my lovelies are the challenges they face.

In Part 2 of this article I will be looking at when this shift changed and how.  I’ll also discuss how we as a unified body of human beings can work towards a transcendence of black love publicly.

Until next time my lovelies…there’s only love!

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra Saunders

 

Welcome to Living in Atlanta: The Beautiful One, Unapologetically…Remembering Pr...

Welcome to Living in Atlanta: The Beautiful One, Unapologetically…Remembering Pr...: I heard the news this afternoon and just like everyone else around the world was shocked, saddened and dismayed.   Now, I never write...



 

The Beautiful One, Unapologetically…Remembering Prince

I heard the news this afternoon and just like everyone else around the world was shocked, saddened and dismayed.  Now, I never write about story the day that it breaks, don’t know I just don’t.  But today, it was the only that I could thing about.  Like so many others, Prince’s death is affecting me and I didn’t know why.  Yes, I have his records, seen his movies, been to his concerts, seen interviews but I have never met him personally or even came close to it.  Why does this mean so much to me??

Maybe it is because like me, he was born under the Twin sign Gemini.  You know the sign that everyone loves to hate because people think that we are moody.  We are not moody, we just feel things and it is that which takes over us. The sign that is highly communicative, creative and artistic…naturally.  The sign that says what they want when they desire to so, but prefer to live their lives in secret.  No need for fanfare, no need to be the life of the party or to live our lives out in front, we carry that in us  and validation from those we love is most important. Respect the art, creativeness and talent that is all. 

Maybe it is because Prince Roger Nelson was unapologetically himself.  Small in stature but larger than life in confidence and talent; from the hair, to the heels to the “eyes” he was what saw and what you didn’t see at the same time.  When you looked at him, (when you were allowed to) you couldn’t quite figure out what he was thinking, you only knew what he thought when sang.  Sensual, sexy and quite “freakish” he brought that side out of every human and made it okay to say yes to sensuality.

Maybe it was his ability to find his truth in his religious beliefs and turn his life in that direction. He was not the man he used to be.  Unapologetic, he took the time to know and look at the bible in a clean simple way and just to see God, Jehovah, Yahweh for who he is without religious dogma.  I understand and respect that. 

But mainly, I feel a kinship due to the fact that he loved his culture following no one’s rule (he never voted) but instead chose the symbol of love, the most important possession anyone can have.  At age 57, he left this earth way too soon.  And as my friend said "May Yahweh bless his spirit because his soul has died with his flesh".  

My favorite Prince song is “The Beautiful Ones” –“I may not know where I’m going baby, I may not know what I need.  But one thing, one thing is for certain baby I know what I want, and if it  please you baby, please you baby, I’m begging down on my knees.  I want you” –makes me cry every time I hear it.

Until next time my lovelies, remember… there’s only love.

Peace and Blessings,

Phaedra

 

Welcome to Living in Atlanta: The Purist Love

Welcome to Living in Atlanta: The Purist Love: I’m not a relationship expert, never claim to be.   But I have seen and have experienced a few things in my lifetime.   I’ve been in ...



 

The Purist Love

I’m not a relationship expert, never claim to be.  But I have seen and have experienced a few things in my lifetime.  I’ve been in love and fallen out of it.  I have enjoyed the company of some great men who opened my eyes to life, I’ve been both the student and the teacher, and I am truly grateful for that.

At this stage in my life I am still learning about relationships and love but in a different way.  It’s kinda curious experiencing these feelings; it’s like a deja vu, only choosing to take different routes than the ones taken before.  This one I must say is teaching me the most. 

When I say the purist love, it is not said with naive school girl innocence, filled with colorful butterflies and unicorns.  While chemistry is a factor in pure love, pure love takes courage, it takes compromise and it takes the willingness to be “all in”. It takes speaking up without lashing out.   It is not selfish or self-centered, and at times, it may not seem fair.  That is why it is so important not to waste time, your or anyone else’s.  If the person that you meet possesses a quality, characteristic or situation that you know you don’t want, then it is best not to pursue it, because in the end you will only end up breaking hearts and creating ill will.   The fact of the matter is that love for one another, even in a non relationship form, for all intent and purposes is not meant to harm. It is meant for good.   

I’ve had the pleasure of being around couples in love.  Some have been married for decades while others only a matter of months.  They are happy and at peace with themselves and I had often wondered how they got to that point, better still what does it take to maintain it?  There are valuable keys to a relationship below are just a few I’ve witnessed.

Building a Solid Foundation

Everything starts with a foundation, the stronger the foundation, the stronger the relationship, the shakier the foundation…well you know the rest.  There must be some common core values that the two of you share.  Views on family, morals, ethics, and beliefs and let’s not forget finances.  A strong foundation makes it possible to reasonably and respectfully talk about issues that arise, because at the end of the day the pillar of your foundation is a mutual respect for each other. Anything built on sand will not last.

 Understanding Each Other’s Wants and Needs

He wants a house on the hill, while you want a cozy little cabin just for two.  While he is striving to get the house on the hill, you could care less.  The more time he spends acquiring that, the further and further the two of you are drifting apart.  There is nothing wrong with his wants and you may want to ask yourself a few questions.  Do I understand what it will take for him to achieve his goal?  Do I believe in his vision even if it is not a priority on my list?  Am I doing my part in support him/her while their dreams are being pursued?  While this illustration is geared more towards the material, it can be applied to anything, material, spiritual, physical.  At the end of the day, when two are working towards becoming one a balanced view of individuality is essential.

It’s hard Out ‘Chea  (Here)

Yep, I said out ‘chea  (here).  It’s crazy when you think about what you face on a day-to-day bases and when you are in a relationship the craziness doubles.  So it is important to know the person in your life is in the trenches with you, you are not doing this alone and that you are not taking the lead. It is a joint effort in which both of you have the same desired outcomes…success in love, family and life together.

Real talk my lovelies is that the journey to the purist love is going to take heart and blind faith and to be honest can be quite scary.  It is attainable and I for one my loves am willing to take the plunge.

Until next time my lovelies…there is only love.

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra