Welcome to Living in Atlanta: Love Never Fails

Welcome to Living in Atlanta: Love Never Fails: For the woman who is asking herself if she made the right decision – the answer is…yes, you did.  For the woman who is asking are my...





 

Love Never Fails

For the woman who is asking herself if she made the right decision – the answer is…yes, you did.  For the woman who is asking are my children going to be okay? – the answer is…yes, they are.  For the woman who wonders what her family thinks about her? – they see your strength thru your tears.  For the woman who wonders will love ever come to me again? – my dear, love never fails

Often, when a marriage or a relationship ends one hears the phrase “they fell out of love”.  That phrase sounds elusive as if something you never really had was lost.  It’s as if you had it, but you let it go…you failed to keep it alive.  I used to think that I failed at love, I ended relationships and even ended a marriage, and all those feelings came upon me at once and stayed with me along time after. I had thoughts like: will my divorce somehow cripple my daughter emotionally if she didn’t have the two-parent upbringing like I did?  Am I putting undue worry on my family now that I’m a single parent?  Did I do this love thing right?  What did I miss, didn’t see, where did I fail?  

I settled into single parenthood and started doing the best I could, pulling from the greatest examples I know, my parents.  Also, I stopped taking the responsibility upon myself as if only I was responsible for this nonfeasance. I grew strong and a little wiser with each experience. I fell down and got back up again, eventually I hit my grown-woman stride.

While shopping one Saturday afternoon, in one of my favorite stores home décor section, I saw a wall plaque which read LOVE NEVER FAILS.  Those words were no surprise for me they were taken from a scripture in the bible which I have read time and time again.  This scripture is recited at wedding ceremonies as the attributes of love are described to the bride and groom as a moral guideline for the treatment of each other.  But then it dawned on me that if loves never fails, then love can never leave, it can never die and you will never be without it.  It also occurred to me that we have personalized love so much so that when the person standing in front of us is no longer standing there, we feel like love has failed us.  It occurred to me that we love in pieces.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not making light of breakups…they hurt.  I am not saying that you shouldn’t be disappointed, angry, cry when a breakup occurs, the can’t eat, can’t sleep can’t function thing happens, it’s okay.  Take your time and breathe.   I’m saying that if you begin to look at your entire life as love, and not compartmentalize it, not attaching ownership to it, you will begin to see love in its totality and not its individuality.  It is through that you can then begin to learn the difference between what has ended, and what has simply changed. 

Until next time my lovelies, always remember, “there’s only love”!

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra

Transcending Black Love Publicly...Part 1

The movie, The Black Panther spoke volumes to me.  Not only did this movie depict the beautiful culture and landscape of Africa, it also shined a spotlight on the supporting characters, in this case black women who were skillfully cut from the back story and placed in the front to become a representation of who black women are. These women, along with an army of female warriors were formed into one large representation of “the” black woman. I am amazed how this appeared on the big screen and appreciative towards the directors, writers and actor’s ability to subliminally place this in the forefront of our minds…but then again, I wondered if black men saw what I saw?  If I had to judge by the comments from black men on my Face Book page, I would say not, as their comments appeared to be about the fierce fighting skills of only one-character, General Okoye.  But the funny thing is that the observation of her character was only physical and sadly enough, those men missed the mark on who she is and who we are.

But then again, isn’t that indicative of how many black men view black women?  Single strength in the face of danger a black woman produces results.  She alone taking care of the needs of others in the home, the black woman produces results; the black woman makes a way out of no way and black men know what black women are capable of because they have experienced it.  But, all too often, their knowledge, admiration and appreciation of us fails to transcend over into their personal loving space.   This is one of the many reasons why President and Mrs. Obama was so important to us (black women).  Being the leader of the free world and all eyes on him, anything he wants he is the first to receive it, he’s was the President dammit who better than him to get that kind of treatment.  For eight years black women watched as he made his way through all the pomp and circumstance, racial hate, global issues, and stupid insane tactics people threw in his face, and yet he purposely and instinctively had Michelle by his side, she never was a step behind him, he always considered especially in public, HER first. There was not step that he made whether on the White House lawn, walking to and from Air Force One, even getting out of the limousine, that he didn’t consider her first.  Isn’t it funny, that for him, the one everyone caters to, transferred this attention to Michelle?  Their strength, love and respect for one another transcended outside of the White House gates and was made visible to the outside world and presented their union as a united front.  In hard times and good times, they did it together.  And my loves, isn’t that what we want?  To be at his side, to be made visible as a united front inside and outside of the home?

The comedian Mo’nique and her man-ager husband, Sidney Hicks is another couple that comes to my mind who portrays unity outside the confines of their home in a relationship. I take no issue in the type of relationship they have (it’s rumored they have an open marriage), I take no issues with what they are fighting for (their cause of racial, gender and age bias against Netflix), but what I am saying is that Monique and Sidney fight and live on a unified front, and everyone knows it and complain about it.  If she’s getting the accolades, he does to, if she’s getting the hate and push back so does he and together they fight in unity…publicly.  Is that such a bad thing?

But how do we transcend and make this a practice in our relationships when many of us do not see this as an issue? I think back to my parents and the elders in my family, when you saw Uncle Oliver, you saw Aunt Maysha, when you saw Uncle Don, you saw Aunt Dottie.  You saw them holding hands, dancing together at parties, traveling together and running a business together.  I’m sure they had some difficult moments, but we never saw it.  They were without a doubt unified couples.   

I often wonder what the effect of this non-transcendence will or has had on our children for the past few centuries?  Are our little black boys learning how not to be inclusive with their women and to compartmentalize what each female gets?  Mom is treated like this, auntie this way and sister that way, and oh wifey…this way.  Are our little black girls being taught that they are only to be “strong” black” women and they have to carry the load of life themselves?  Personally, I don’t want my grand daughter to be a strong black woman, I want her to be a “smart” black woman, and I want my grandson to know his strength and to be inclusive in his relationships, I want him to know that with “her” at his side at home and in public, he is a stronger man for it.  But they must choose the right person to partner with who knows and practices the same ideas…and that my lovelies are the challenges they face.

In Part 2 of this article I will be looking at when this shift changed and how.  I’ll also discuss how we as a unified body of human beings can work towards a transcendence of black love publicly.

Until next time my lovelies…there’s only love!

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra Saunders