The Season Is What You Make It

Driving to work this morning, listening to my favorite jazz station (WCLK) playing Christmas music was the push I needed to get me in the Christmas mood.   For the past few weeks, I have listened to people talk about the upcoming holiday in a broad spectrum of ways.  Some people hate this holiday and say that it’s just another way that people spend money they don’t have, some don’t believe in it and refute its origin, some feel nothing about it.  These remarks, I must say had me feeling some kind of way about this time of year.

Now I am not here to defend, uphold or to verify the “realness” of Christmas.  I sit in judgment of no one.  I am a proponent however of looking at a situation from all sides.  During this time of year many things happen, on one hand, it has been reported that the number of suicides increase during this time of the year, spending  on what many may think as frivolous is on the rise and the mental state of   depression is rampant. 

It is my belief that people have the power to make this holiday anything that they want it to be.  A Norman Rockwell painting of families gathering around a Christmas tree is not the portrait in all families. Unlimited spending is not the financial situation in many families, and the celebration of this holiday is not common place in all families.  But the common thread in all these situations is that each family or individual has the power to make this day just as important as the next day and not to judge how people may or may not celebrate it. 

Each family or individual has the power to CHOSE to be happy, thankful, and at peace with each other and themselves regardless of if they chose to or not celebrate.  Each family or individual has the RIGHT to love and to show love at any given moment.  So to me, this day is and should be just as any other day, and that is to be, do and show the BEST of what I have to offer NOW…IN THE PRESENT MOMENT.  Isn’t that what we are admonished to do daily anyway?

So, this December 25^th, I say…Happy Thursday to all, and to all a good night.  Until next time my lovelies…

Peace & blessings

Phaedra


 

Motives…People Come and People Go

There is one thing in life that I know for sure, people will come into your life and people will leave your life.  Those who believe in spirit and the energy that surrounds us always take this mantra as being a good thing that happens in their life by saying “This person was removed from my life because they were not good for me” or “Spirit did something that I could not do myself”.  And although this is true in many, many, cases, people often times fail to realize that maybe THEY were moved out of a person life and that movement was beneficial for the other person. 

We are just too quick to assume that we could not be the one that is hindering a person’s growth, as if we are saviors to everyone we encounter.  For the past few months, my muse has had me thinking about motives.  My last article on intentions alluded to the fact that everyone has intentions and one must always find out a person’s true motives before letting them into our lives. 

If you allow yourself to think back during the course of your life, you may find that your movement in and out of someone’s life in at least one instance was for the good of the other person.   And although there are many good reasons why we or they were removed, below are two good reasons why movement definitely will take place.  

Dishonorable Motives – In Relationships

They were financially secure and you needed a place to stay.  Of course you liked them, and enjoyed their company, you even traveled and went on outings together, perhaps you even moved in together….but you were just trying to get yourself together until you got on your feet. Now there is nothing wrong with that IF in the beginning you told them that were your intent and it was agreed upon.  IF it was done in any other manner, “your motives were not honorable”.  And spirit will remove you or them from that situation because your motives were misleading and untruthful and well, the other person deserves better. 

Disguised Motives – Business and Friendships

You act one way, but you really don’t mean it.  I see it a lot in business and friendship.  Let’s say for example that there is a business connection that you want to make on your job.  You attend all the events, you volunteer for activities, but your heart is not in the right place, and when you don’t get what you really wanted, you stop doing all those things. 

There is a distinct difference in “disguised motives” and “networking”.  I have a friend girl who is great with connecting with people.  What I love about her is that she is straight forward and truthful.  When she schedules informative meetings with a possible connection, she starts the conversation by saying

“This is where I am, and here is where I want to be, can we talk about how I can reach that goal, and the people I need to be connected with?” It’s honest and truthful and the people she approaches are ready to help.   But here is the other thing that I love about her approach, she never goes for anything that she does not have an interest in or truly cares about.  So the connections that she makes on and off the job are lasting ones.

For me, at this point in my life, making new friends is not something that I go after.  I have friends but I also have “associates”.  But there is something about meeting a person for the first time and you feel a kindred connection between the two of you.  It doesn’t matter what they do for a living, where they come from, or who they know.  The attraction is strictly based on the connection, and there are no motives involved.   I dare to say that we all have influential friends, people are successful.  Hell, we all are in our own right.  But when we look at the people we are connected to we must be honest with ourselves in why they are in our circle.  What is the purpose of this connection?  How are we being of service in their lives?  What was our initial motive in meeting them and jointly remaining a part of their lives? 

Having the right motives can be the difference between life and death in all situations.  If your motives were not pure in the beginning, your projects will fail, your prayers will go unanswered, and you will lose out on what you were going after in the first place.  If your motives are right, your ending will be right.

Until next time my lovelies…

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra

 

What Do They Really Want…5 Signs of “Bad Intentions” in a Relationship

When it comes to relationships, a person’s intentions are rarely known at the onset. We all have intentions, and you can best believe that when someone approaches you, they have them too.  The key to intentions is the ability to honest with ourselves about why we introduce, approach, invite and attach ourselves to certain people, and why people in turn introduce, approach,  and attach to us.

We get “jaded” by the idea of love, and fail to acknowledge the signs we saw in that person at the very beginning.  He doesn’t have a car…who do you think is going to drive you to places you want to go?  He doesn’t have a job…who do you think is going to pay for dinner?  He doesn’t have his own place…where are you going to go to spend a relaxing evening together?  I mean it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that this person is not taking care of themselves, how can they be of benefit to you?  It doesn’t even have to be on a financial level.  It can be emotional as well.  Here are  signs that the person you are dealing with has intentions that are not beneficial to your overall well-being.

They Stop Spending Time with You

PEOPLE MAKE TIME FOR THE THINGS THAT THEY REALLY WANT.  If the time he/she spends with you  has diminished, or is diminishing, so is your “so-called” relationship.

They Expect Everything, but Give Little or Nothing

Loving couples do not want to see their partner tired, stressed and worn out.  That’s just not right!
Excluding a debilitating disability, if you are taking care of the household by yourself, and the other party is capable of working , and the income they could bring in, no matter the amount will be beneficial, someone’s intentions is this relationship is not quite right. 

Their Past is Not Really in the Past
Everyone deserves a second chance for a good life, so don’t hold a person’s past against them.  We grow and we change.  But if the person you are in a relationship with is exhibiting the same behavior he/she told you about in their past and they are doing all the things mentioned above, you can best believe their past is their present, and their intentions towards you are not to your benefit.

Words Hurt…No Words Hurt Even More

In the beginning there were love notes or “I love you” texts, and now, if you are not arguing and bickering there is the silent treatment.  Nothing significant in the relationship has changed or so you thought; but the two of you seem to be arguing over the same old issues.  May be the thing you wanted him/her to do never gets done, maybe the intention all along was for you to do it. 

Too Much Too Soon

If this is you, then YOU need an intention “reality check”.  This type of behavior is not beneficial to you.  You need to examine why you feel the need to give so much, so soon, and expect so little in return.  In your mind, what did you think that you are getting from pursuing this kind of relationship?  Our bodies give off energies that attract certain people, examine what energy you are putting out to attract this type of person over and over again.  One of my male mentors always told me, he said “the one thing a bad man can spot, is a good woman”.  Change your energy, and change who you attract to our life. 

No one walks this earth alone.  We all need people in our lives for companionship and friendship.  Make sure that the people in your circle are the types of people that adds value to your life.  It’s as simple as that.

Until next time my lovelies…

Peace & blessings,
Phaedra


 

Building Our Brand, Sisterly Love…The Tie that Binds

Celebrity Manicurists
Sabrina Brie’ Rowe and Sharlinda Rowe- Parker

When Atlanta's celebrity clothing designer Dia Bocage, of Dia Bocage Custom Fashions invited me (Atlanta Real Living) to her 2014 Fall/Winter photo shoot last week, I was extremely excited.  What could better than hair, makeup and fashion?  I asked Dia about the models for the shoot, and she told me that celebrity manicurists Sabrina Brie’ Rowe and Sharlinda Rowe-Parker and daughter Khadjiah Rowe would be the feature models in this shoot. 

Born in Richmond VA, these identical twin sisters are not only the owners of the upscale Tu La 2 Nail Salon & Company in Buckhead,  Georgia, they are also reality TV celebrities (Big Rich Atlanta), and Sharlinda is married to the Grammy awarding winning singer/songwriter “Q” Parker from the Multi- platinum Group 112.  I had never met the power house duo before and I must say that I was curious.

As Ariah and I entered the room, we were met with lots of chatter.  Pennae Salon and Crystal Cooper masters of their craft in hair and makeup each had their corner of creativity.  They were serious with their work but the mood was light.  At first I didn’t recognize the twins, they had cut their hair.  Sharlinda was getting made up for the shoot, so I began the conversation with her sister Brie’.

ARL:  There are a lot of women who do not have strong relationships with their sisters, what is it like for you to have this type of relationship with your sister?

Tu La 2:  We are actually identical twins, 5 minutes apart, and after 43 years together, you don’t know anything different.  I can’t imagine myself without my best friend, partner, and the person that I can count on to do anything with. 

 ARL:  How did the migration to Atlanta begin?

 Tu La 2:  I came to Atlanta first for a hair show.  By that time we had already established our business in Virginia.  And while here I fell in love with the city and the idea that African-Americans were really doing their thing. 
After my return, one of our friends passed away.  She was a twin as well.  It was a funeral both my sister and I felt.  It was like looking in a mirror, the grief of the family…that could be our family, looking at that other part of you lying in a casket, that really touched us and I had my “Ah-Ha” moment.  We knew that this was something we had to do.  The separation was intentional, and inside four months I had moved to Atlanta.  Sharlinda came two years later. But we never lost touch with each other.  If I wasn’t home in Virginia on the weekends, my sister was here in Atlanta, and of course during the times we were separated from each other, we talked on the telephone everyday… all day.






"Our focus is on professionalism"

ARL:  The name of your establishment is unique, how did you come up with the name?

Tu La 2:  It’s a bounce back to us being twins, but not in a common way like “Twins”, or ”The Two of Us”.  We played around with the name a lot and decided on Tu La 2.  We have been in the nail business for over 20 years, and we’ve owned and operated our business here in Atlanta for 12 years.

ARL:  Just keeping it real, before I decided to wear my natural nails, I never went to an African-American manicurist, I always went to manicurist from other cultures.

Tu La 2:  First, let me start by saying that there are a lot of good, professional African-American manicurists out here.  The main reason why the African-American manicurist corner of the market slipped is because of the number of shops on every corner and costs for services.  They have cut the cost of services by half.  So many people are quick to go to other shops to get services for half the price.  But at the end of the day, one should always keep in mind that cleanliness and keeping up with sanitation codes within the shop is more important than the cost of services.
ARL:  I definitely agree, cost and funding for a business appears to be more readily available to other cultures.

 ARL:  So, what separates your brand from the others in this industry?

Tu La 2:  Our clientele is different in that we focus on professionalism and the healthy treatment of nails.  Yes, in the past, we’ve provided services that included 3D art, and designs, but that is not our signature.  We also maintain our focus on healthy, clean treatment of the nails by being an “Eco friendly” salon. We are a “green” company in that we no longer apply acrylic to nails.  There are so many options that some people just don’t know about.

ARL:  What’s next for Tu La 2 Nail Salon & Company?

Tu La 2:  My sister is finishing up her courses to obtain her instructors license because we are preparing to open a nail school here in Atlanta.
ARL:  Indeed, I expect to see even greater advances to your brand in the near future.



"Generations"
Sabrina Brie’ Rowe and Sharlinda Rowe-Parker
and daughter Khadjiah Rowe

The twin’s commitment to family and building and branding their company reaches far beyond themselves.  I had the pleasure to meet and speak with Sharlina’s daughter Khadjiah.  Immediately, you can tell that she has been under the guidance of a strong family presence.  She is approachable, well-spoken, humbly ambitious, and educated well beyond her 28 years of life.  As a parent, I know that this is something that is taught, and she is a good student.  Be on the lookout for her entrepreneurial endeavors in the near future.

 To have a sister that has your back, no matter the circumstance is indeed a blessing.  I have one myself.  And although we are not twins, our connection and commitment to one another is greater than all the riches in the world.  I can relate to these two women of vision, for they embodie what we all want in life…love, on all levels, purpose and most of all family.

Until next time my lovelies…

Peace and blessings

Phaedra

Special "Thanks" to Dia Bocage of Dia Bocage Custom Fashions for this interview.


 

Woman Heal Thyself

When I was younger, my mother would say to me “when you get older, you will know”.  Her statement left me with the impression that all I had to do was to grow older and I would be magically bestowed with great wisdom and knowledge. And to a certain extent Mom was right, there is so much more that I know now than when I was younger.  Mom didn’t really explain that while growing older I would encounter people, situations and experiences that would shape me and enhance my knowledge of the world.  What mom failed to impress on me was that these experiences and situations that I would encounter would at times bring me great joy, and great pain.  Mom didn’t tell me that in my growing older and knowing, I would be hurting and how one heals from hurt.

And so I grew.  All the while facing battles and slaying giants, climbing mountains to success and tumbling back down the mountain.  Growing older, gaining knowledge, living life’s experiences but never quite healing.  And what I discovered is that I didn’t know how to heal.  Sure I would “self-soothe”, meaning get over the failed marriage and subsequent relationships, loss of jobs and internal family struggles.  But my self-soothing left a residue that followed me into the next experience in life.  You see, there is a difference in self-soothing and healing.

Soothing vs. Healing

The definition of soothing is "to tranquilize or to calm, to relieve, comfort, or refresh”, while healing is “to make healthy, whole, or sound, to restore, to bring to an end or a conclusion”.  “Soothing has a temporary affect, that is why we find ourselves in the same situation repeatedly, not being able to let things go, feeling angry and disappointed time after time.  We calm ourselves just enough to get to the next encounter.  Healing  is permanent.  Sure, we may find ourselves facing a similar situation but we are equipped to recognize it for what it is and remove ourselves from it WITHOUT feeling  the anger and disappointment.  We can let go of it all.

 How Do I Begin to Heal?

If you are anything like me, right about now you are asking “HOW?” How do I heal?  The healing process is different for every individual but the first step is universal.  The first step in process of healing  begins with forgiveness of self.   As we become self-aware, we begin to take a long hard look at ourselves and more often than not, that look is not pretty. We start with the “how could I’s,  and the “what was I thinking”, literally beating ourselves up for the life we have lived thus far.  Realize that you are in the “NOW”, and what you do from this day forward can only get you to where you need to be.  It’s time to  change your perception, and change your life! 

 The journey of healing takes time and one size does not fit all.  I found the points below helpful to me on my journey of healing:

·         Acknowledge your need to heal  -  what you have done in the past isn’t working.

·         Build on your spiritual foundation – if you don’t have one, that’s a problem

·         Pray, meditate, affirm - the more you practice, the more deserving and appreciative you become.

·         Talk to someone – a professional or a counselor is best, and this time, take their advice.

·         Listen to what your trusted friends say about you…If you’ve heard it from more than one person…more often than not, there’s some truth to it.  Look into changing that behavior.

·         Appreciate your progress – healing takes time so be patient with yourself and appreciate the progress you are making. 

My mother was right, the older you grow, the more you know…I am so thankful that in my growing older, I am learning how to heal.  Until next time my lovelies…

 Peace and blessings,

Phaedra


 

Getting it Back – Know Your Worth

Have you noticed that people are talking more and more about knowing what they are worth?  You can’t get on Facebook or Instagram without reading an inspirational quote about knowing your value.  Television shows, seminars and conferences are being conducted on the importance of knowing who you are and how to value yourself.  This leads me to believe that there is power and protection in knowing your worth.

We all get lost from time to time.  I believe that life and the many phases of it change us.  We begin to doubt ourselves and tend to overlook behaviors in ourselves and in others that we shouldn’t, we lose our ability to say “no”.  We give and we give until one day, we realize that all this giving is for the birds, and if you are governed by the Christian principle of love we often forget that this principle also includes the ability to say “no”.  And it is in this place where our search begins, or enlightened period starts…a change is coming.

 To be honest, I found myself in this place before and I wanted to “get it back—my worth”.  What I found is that there is no clear cut formula to follow because each of us has our own journey to travel through life.  Only we know what needs to change and what needs to remain the same, who needs to stay and who needs to leave, but everything has a starting point and for me mine was…

Don’t be so Darn Hard on Yourself

Let’s face it; giving without receiving anything is return is a hard pill to swallow.  You feel used, inadequate and just plain ‘ol dumb.  But you are not, nor have you ever been because what you gave, time, money, friendship, love, etc. came from the heart.  It came from a pure place and because of that you were protected the entire time.  If the only thing that happened was that you got your feelings hurt then lesson learned and take the necessary steps to move forward. 

Ask for Guidance

Being the spiritual person that I am, I know that my strength does not come from me but from a higher source and that I why I read, meditate and pray.  This opens the door to infinite possibilities.  But I am not specific per se in what I am asking for.  Your words are important and most time we are not saying the right words in the right order. Whenever I am unsure in the matter of giving myself or my time, I am not specific.  How can I be when it is at this point that I do not know where to start?  Here is what I learned to asked,   I say “whatever your will is in this situation of loving and giving, your will be done.  When there is a person or situation in which my giving is involved, let your will be done so that I may act accordingly.  If there are any misgivings in this matter, please reveal it to me beforehand and spare me the agony of going all the way through it”.  And that is where I leave it, in his hands, and to quote Momma Dee “and in that order”.  All is revealed in time. 

Affirmations

Oh what a wonderful way to give to yourself!  There is nothing like standing in front of that mirror or riding down the highway reciting wonderful and positive things about you!  The keys to solid affirmations are:

 1) Practice it daily

 2) Affirm something that is easy for you to remember and call to mind

Positive affirmations reinforce what you already know about yourself in your subconscious but are too afraid to say aloud.  Affirmations produce belief, which produces change, and in turn produces growth. 

Practice what You Preach

If one of your affirmations is to love yourself, then do it.  This goes far beyond pampering yourself at the spa or getting your hair and nails done on a regular basis, those things are necessary as well.  But it also involves what and who you allow in your life and their treatment of you.  If you affirm that you are beautiful, then act like it.  If you affirm that you deserve true love, do not settle for anything less than.  The more you affirm, and practice what you affirm, you will see a change in your actions AND the type of people who will cross your path.

 Rome Wasn’t Built in a Day

Neither is the process of getting your worth back.  It takes time, reassurance, belief and practice.  Don’t be so time driven thinking that it should happen within a specified time period.  Surround yourself with healthy, positive people who love and respect you just as much as you do them. 

Life is way too short to sell yourself short.  We all have a purpose here on earth and it is certainly not to feel bad about ourselves and undervalued.  Knowing your worth transcends across many areas in our life from careers, to friendships, personal goals and relationships.  It is the very foundation we all need to live healthy, purpose driven lives…and that my lovelies is the truest lesson of them all.  I’m just saying.  Until next time my lovelies…

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra


 

The Other Side of Me - Gemini

Hello My Lovlies, I thought that I would switch it up a little and post some of my poems.  Here's one I think you will enjoy especially you Gemini's.

The Other Side of Me (Gemini)

She is bold, and she’s brash, sexy and funny

Her twin will appear, on that you can bet money.

The Gemini with the two faces always knows

how the train whistles and how the winds blow

 

She is blown into her peak season which is Spring lasting until Fall,

It is during that time of life, she is fully alert and everyone calls

Old lovers, new friends and strangers she meets

offering their company, to go out dancing or to dinner  to eat

She may get into trouble as you can see

She is completely different;  she is the other side of me

 

It is often during this time a suitor she has met

And by Fall, he is gone, and she begins to regrets

Her other side so whimsical and magical it can be,

she wants to go back to that calmer side of she

 

She knows that it’s not good to have loved so quickly and to have lost so fast

such is the life a Gemini…her present collides with her past

Isn’t it funny in her you can see

but know this my lady; you too have the other side of me.

POOF… and He’s Gone. Why He’s Not Calling You Back.

So you meet a guy, and exchange telephone numbers.  He quickly gives you a call that night and the two of you talk for what seems like days.  Your official first date is everything you would expect.  He is courteous, considerate, not grabbing or touching you in inappropriate places.  The two of you walk and talk in the park, listen to music, smile and laugh, and the first date ends well.  BUT WAIT, it doesn’t stop there!  The next morning he calls to say “good morning”, and by noon he is calling taking up his entire lunch break just so that he can speak with you.  BUT WAIT, it doesn’t stop there, he calls you that night just to say “good night”.  Good start huh?

Duh, yeah, because over the course of 4 to 6 weeks, this guy doesn’t change his routine with you.  He’s calling, the two of you are going out, sharing meals together, he knows where you live and more importantly you know where he lives.  You’ve spent nights at his house for god sakes!  And then suddenly, as quickly as this started, it abruptly comes to a screeching halt! 

He may give you the courtesy of providing you with the lame excuse that he didn’t like something you had said weeks before and he needs time to wrap his head around the situation so give him a few days to deal with it, or his sorry behind just stops calling.  This is what I like to refer to as “radio silence”.  I got this phrase from watching old war movies when crewmen on a submarine, in an effort to not be detected by its enemies,  has to dive deep and cut off all communication. Head Quarters can’t even locate them.  Yeah, that’s what he is giving you right now and this leaves you, vexed, confused…down right pissed, because for you this came right out of the blue and blindsided you. Or did it?

So now your emotions are flipping back and forth from being mad and trying to figure out just what the hell happened.  I’ll tell you what happened, he STOPPED CALLING, and you need, must, nay are required to deal with it!  By now, your friends (guys and girls) are telling what to and what not to do and you just don’t seem to know what advice to take.  Well add me to your list because I’m going to give you and ear full.  Wanna hear it, here is goes.

YOU’VE KNOW EACH OTHER FOR A SHORT TIME, IT CAN’T BE LOVE

Heck no it’s not love, but it was a connection.  Energy flows between people.  The issue now becomes clear that for him, it was only a temporary connection, way different from what you were thinking it would possibly grow into.  It’s about respect and in this case, lack thereof.  No one wants to have feelings of disrespect and abandonment.  Whether he is willing to admit it or not, a situation like this is exactly that…disrespectful.

THERE ARE A MILLION AND ONE REASONS WHY HE DID THIS…

And you do not have the time or the resources to try to figure it out.  He knows why and he chose not to tell you. It is not up to you to figure it out. Chances are that you will learn a heck of a lot more about your behavior in this situation than you know about his behavior.

UPON INITIAL CONTACT…DON’T EXPECT THE TRUTH

Trust that anyone who does you that dirty is not going to reveal the truth just because you are blowing up his telephone with calls and texts.  In fact, HE will become annoyed every time he sees your number pop up on his phone.  His mind is made up and there is nothing you can do about it.  Believe me, when karma comes around, and trust me, it will come around, he may have the guts to pick up the phone and give you a call.  Hopefully you will be in headspace where it really doesn’t matter to you any longer.  You have to start processing the fact that you will be just fine.  Who wants to be treated like that anyway?  But instead start thinking about how to get this joker off your mind and out of your thoughts.  Which leads me to my next point…

STOP BLOWING UP HIS TELEPHONE!

Women need closure.  But often we believe that this closure will come from the man.  Nope, not so.  Often times, as in this case closure has to come from you. I took the time to ask some men what a woman should do when faced with this situation and the first thing they said was “leave him alone, he will call when he is ready”.  Well, “Ain’t nobody got time for that”!  I’m not saying that you shouldn’t reach out to him; I’m saying that when you do it must come from a place of true calm and respect for self.  I’m saying that call or text should be your one and final communication. 

At his point, it is no longer about him, it’s about you and the manner in which you communicate this determines whether or not it stays off.  There is nothing wrong with you expressing your feelings in a respectful manner.  When he reads it, it may not register with him right off…but believe me at some point and time it will register.  Just make sure that you are a LADY at all times.

GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO PROCESS THE SITUATION

You know the saying, the only way to get over an “old boo” is with a new one.  This can be wrong on so many levels.  Chances are, the energy that you are putting out often will attract you to the same sort of person you are trying to disconnect from.  Take some time to process this situation, ALLOW YOURSELF TO THINK, NOT OVER THINK IT.  So many times we hold on to something too long because we tell ourselves not to think about it and we feel guilty when we do.  Freely admit to yourself your feelings, only then will you be able to let it go.

Well, my lovelies, as you can see by the length of this article there is a lot to be said on this topic.  It’s hard to believe that this is still happening in 2014!  That is why there will be a Part 2, hell; it may even be a series!  Needless to say, you were a beautiful, talented and gifted person before you met him and you will be a beautiful, talented and gifted person long after he is gone, so why let this hinder you from moving on?  Don’t…IJS.  Until next time my lovelies…

Peace and blessings

Phaedra


 

Relevancy in Today’s Church…How Much is Too Much?

Recently, Dr. Jamal Bryant, of Empowerment Temple, in Baltimore Maryland, used the word “h*es” in the pulpit when preaching to his congregation on the sermon entitled “I’m my own Enemies Worst Nightmare”.  In his sermon he attempted to relay his point about men ignoring the words of good, godly women and instead following the advice from women that may not have their best interest at heart.  He relayed that simple statement above by quoting the hook to a very popular secular music artist, Chris Brown song called “These H*es  ain’t loyal”. This sent both fans and frenemies of Dr. Bryant into a frenzy causing all types of outrage and admiration from all types of believers and non-believers on social media.  Now mind you when I saw the video, it was before it had hit the internet and I have to say that when I heard it my jaw dropped.  You would think that we would know that h*es ain’t loyal, but by putting it this way in a church setting, it seemed  to have resonated  in the minds of both men and women as they where they are jumping up and down, saying “yesss Lord” and praising god.  Although shocked, and taken aback by his choice of song and hook, I have to admit, I got it too.  But then I wondered…in an effort to get the message to the masses and to remain relevant…how much is too much?

 5 months ago, a You Tube video of Senior Pastor Jentezen Franklin of Free Chapel Church in Gainesville Georgia was posted in which he was preaching a sermon entitled “The Boaz Family Tree”.  Here the Pastor admonishes single women to wait on their Boaz and not to fall victim to the members of Boaz family.  He relays a posting he found on Face Book with the type of men Boaz’s cousins were, you know his cousins “broke-az”, “dumb-az”, “cheating-az”, “drunk-az” and my personal favorite “beatyo-az”.  I can’t say that I can remember everything in the bible, but I certainly would have remembered Boaz’s cousins when reading the Book of Ruth if they were like that!  I can only assume that Boaz did have cousins, but since in the bible that I read they were never mentioned, I really didn’t give it any thought.  But thanks to Pastor Franklin, I now know that he did and as a single woman would have not one of them as my husband.  Again although shocked, and taken aback by his choice of words and the Face Book posts he placed on the church big screen for all to see.   I have to admit, I that got that.  But then again I had to wonder…in an effort to get the message to the masses and to remain relevant…how much is too much?

Reaching our young people with the message they can relate to of hope, love and never giving up god’s goodness is vital but even my 25 year old daughter when seeing the videos said “mom, that a little too much!’.  This showed me that there is a line that can and perhaps has been crossed.   With that, we all have to be careful as leaders, citizens and parents in teaching and sowing the right seeds and “messages” in our children’s minds.  We are in the year 2014, and things they are ‘a changing’.  The messages being imparted in churches are often times laced with overtones of secular beats and godly words, face Book post and twitter rants.  Words evoke power and so does music so I can see why it’s important to change things up a little.  It’s the age of social media; it is how we communicate with each other.  But for me, sinner that I am, I am still a firm believer in self-control, modesty, setting apart from, and moderation especially from a pulpit or platform.  I’m just saying.  Until next time my lovelies…

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra 


 

Dear Mama

Maybe it is because I am older and life’s experiences have taught me a thing or two, but I have found that for many Mother’s Day is not so joyous.  Through my relationships with others, I have encountered individuals who did not have the same experience of having a loving, caring warm mother like mine.  And, as I get older, many of my friends have lost a mother in death and the pain of losing her seems unbearable.  My heart and prayers continue to be with you.

No Such Thing as Mother’s Day

Celebrating Mother’s Day in my household wasn’t the norm.  For religious reason, my family did not celebrate any holidays.  But not celebrating Mother’s Day did not negate the fact that my mother was and to this day is very special, and dear to me and my sister.  Mom never received flowers on that day, any special lunches nor dinners, any special acknowledgment, gifts, cards from my sister, me nor daddy.  But somehow, someway, she knew that she was loved not just on that day but every day.  And although she did not receive any special accolades, she still loved and nurtured all of us unconditionally.  She taught us all the things that good mothers teaches, filling our spirits with encouragement, disciplining us when needed, and taking care of each of our needs as if they were carved in her soul to abide by. 

Now before you start to fret, know that there was many times my family celebrated. My parents took time to travel and be with one another just because.  But while the world was celebrating this special day, mommy carried on doing exactly as she had done on any other day…taking care of us, without complaint…and that is one of the main reasons that I truly love and admire her.

Love What Is, and Not What Was 

No, not everyone is/was a good mother.  For the individuals, who as a child suffered through bad experiences, abuse and abandonment know that it was not your fault.  Take the time to fill the holes of your broken spirit, meaning take the steps that need to be taken to make yourself complete.  Seek professional counseling, love those who have been in your life and supported you through the years.  Love what is, not what was! 

I could write a dissertation on why your mom was not the mother she should have been, but that doesn’t matter nearly as much as who you are today, and the steps you are about to make (or making) to become the complete person you are destined to be.  So do the work, it will not erase your past, but you’re not trying to do that…you are trying to build your future.

Physically Gone, but Never Forgotten

January of this year, I almost lost my mother.  What seemed like routine knee replacement took a wrong turn and almost ended her life.  I cannot imagine losing her! But then I began to think about all my friends that have lost their mother’s in death.  I am here to tell you that I see her in you.  When we go out to dinner, conservations at work, when reading Facebook post of events or details in your life with your children and family, I see her in YOU, because those things are only things a mother would say, teach and do. She lives on in YOU…be proud and embrace it.  

So as this day comes and goes, whether you reflect fondly or not, whether you are a mother or not, know that that it’s all about love, and one can never go wrong doing that.  Until next time lovelies…

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra


 

OH THE RACHETNESS, the High Price of Fame…How Far Would You Go?

A few weeks ago, the blogosphere was taken aback from a snippet of the sex tape that was supposedly “leaked” of Love and Hip-Hop reality star Mimi Faust and her boyfriend Nikko London (Smith) whatever.  Here’s how the story goes, Mimi and Nikko, now a couple, love to tape their sexual escapades for their own viewing pleasure.  Oddly enough, this particular escapade gets out somehow and lands right on the desk of Vivid Productions, a well-known company that distributes adult content.  Mimi and Nikko have no earthly idea how the tape got there, but are now promoting, marketing and selling their sex tape on- line, DVD and whatever else they can get their hands on for profit.  Sounds stupid?  Well it is!

Now there are two things that I have no problem with…people who watch adult content, and the people who make adult content.  It’s not my designer bag so I don’t have to carry it!  What I do have a problem with is when people try to act as if they are completely innocent and know nothing about an adult film; they starred, in choreographed and sold to the highest bidder!  Kim Kardashian’s tape was leaked, Mimi’s tape appears to have been packaged with a neat little bow and handed directly to the distributor!  As a matter of fact, Vivid Productions is the same company that distributed the Kardashian tape.  Now I say that Kim’s tape was leaked because this woman sued Vivid Productions due to the fact that the tape was sold without her permission or consent.  Kim later dropped the case and received an unspecified amount of cash in the settlement, plus Vivid Productions ceased production of the tape.  Clearly Kim was upset over the whole thing.  Mimi on the other hand is pushing forward with the distribution of the tape and clearly not as upset as one might be if their “personals” were being shown on the internet and distributed nationwide on hard copy.  If you were Mimi, wouldn’t you want to find out who leaked the tape, how much they were compensated, and beat their tail before contacting the production company and informing them they are about to get sued?  I’m just saying.

Television personalities, radio hosts and bloggers have gotten on the bandwagon speaking their mind on how a 40 something year old mother of one could do such a thing this late in life and the ramifications this may have on her 3-year old daughter as she goes through life.  There have been some valid points made but…it’s not my cup of Earl Grey tea so I don’t have to sip it! When it comes to that, my only hope is that her daughter grows up to be a well-adjusted young woman who is somehow unaffected by her mother’s past actions and acrobatic moves in the bedroom and bathroom, and that she, (the daughter) will live a happy, healthy well productive life.

The motivation behind the couple’s shameless marketing tactics of a “leaked” sex tape is baffling to me.  If it was intended for personal viewing and it is now public, wouldn’t you be trying to shut it down instead of promoting it?  But as Miss Faust alluded to on her Instagram page, "it’s no one business what I do"… and she is absolutely right, it’s not.  BUT, when you deliberately make that type of content and place it in distribution including the internet for all to see well, you have made it everyone business and will get commentary like this so deal with it!   And that’s my little red wagon and I’ll be the one pulling it!  Until next time lovelies…

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra


 

SPILLING TEA…The New Gossip

 

You can’t go anywhere or watch any type of reality show without hearing the phrase “Spill the Tea”.  In fact, the reality shows we watch today (yes, I watch reality shows) are built on the premise of spilling the tea.  Spill the Tea simply means to “gossip”. Everyone has spilled some.  At times, I have been guilty of it myself.  I thought about the circumstances in which I found myself spilling tea, and I also thought about what I needed to do to stop it:

Girlfriend Tea
Danger, danger, danger…because tea is being spilled all over the place!  Whether it is two individuals or in a group, women have a tendency to tell each other about their lives AND the lives of others.  When I am with girlfriends, I realize that if I am not careful, I would be putting my two cents in on something that has absolutely has nothing to do with me and mines.  Consider this so as not to feed into the fury of talking about others.

1.       Take the high road – let your comments begin and end on positive note.

2.       Shut Up – say nothing; let others say what they want.  In time, they will see that you are not partaking in the conversation and the conversation will soon change.

3.       Tell them about it – simply be bold enough to say “we are getting ready to talk about something we know nothing about so let’s just nip it right now”.

Water Cooler Tea
Coworkers can be viewed as extended family members.  Think about it, we see them almost every day and in addition to working together they partake in celebrating the milestone in our lives such as birthdays, births, and promotions.  Coworkers grieve and sympathize with us during bad times such as in the times of sickness and even death.  Believe it or not, coworkers share our lives one way or another.

Water cooler tea is the worst type of tea because  information received usually does not come directly from the source.  It has been passed around the office by several individuals and by the time it gets to you it’s only a version of the truth. STAY CLEAR of water cooler tea!  Do not participate in it, it often leads to bad reputations and strained employee relationships.  It could also hinder promotion within the company.

Family Tea
 There is nothing like hearing all the latest news about the family.  Every family has a particular family member who knows everything about anyone in the family.  Most times, this person has good intentions and has the family’s best interest at heart.  If through the spilling of tea you find that a family member is in trouble, do what you can to offer assistance in the matter and if this is done, let it be in confidence.  Don’t feed into spilling of family tea.

Our relationships with family, friends and coworkers are some bonds that we want to make sure remain healthy.  Our conversations should be up lifting, positive and encouraging, and should anyone tell us anything in confidence we should honor them by keeping the conversation private.  So the next time you are tempted to spill the tea, ask yourself “would I like it if someone was talking about me like that?” When you look at it like that “spilling the tea” is a big mess you would want to avoid.

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra