I Make More Money Than My Man

In the dating world, the phrase “dating down” is often used.  Many think of dating down as meaning one person in the relationship brings more financially to the table than the other.  Quite often we see this when a financially secure male rescues and marries the female who is struggling just to make ends meet.  Times have changed in that women are seeing the fruits of their labor mature and are making salaries comparable to their male counter parts, but the dating pool of men who are considered a financial fit is shrinking at alarming rates.  And in Atlanta, you are bound to run into this situation. So I have to wonder… Is there a problem with dating a man who make less money than you? 

Tip #1 - Be Honest with Yourself
If you prefer not to date or marry a man who makes less than you, don’t get involved with anyone making less.  It’s not that you are a bad person, this is your belief and you have that right!  Don’t settle for what you are not comfortable with.  You will not be happy if you choose to pursue this, and it will cause serious problems for you and him.  I’m just saying.

Tip #2 - He Who Has the Money Makes the Rules
In one word, the above mentioned title means “control”.  I know that it sounds a bit harsh but usually that is the way it goes.  It is difficult as a money and decision maker to hand over the reins to a person who doesn’t do that in the corporate world.  Being in control at all times can make a woman appear masculine and emasculates the male.

 – Right off the bat…take money out of it.  Discover each other’s strong suits and build off that.  Example, he budgets well and can enjoy life’s pleasures, then he would be the one in charge of planning dinners, outings and vacations.  There are all types of controls to be shared in a relationship find them, respect them and build off of them.

Tip #3 - Set Realistic Expectations

Skiing in the South of France, weekend trips to Morocco, dining in Rome…not going to happen like that!  You are involved with a man who has limited resources, why would you expect him to do those things? Hell, have you even done those things yourself? 

-  Setting realistic expectations and knowing what your mate can and cannot do at that time, makes it easier to enjoy them.

Tip #4- Maintain a Level of Respect

Just because he earns less does not make him less, just like your earn more doesn’t make you more.  Be respectful of each other’s feelings and situations.  No one wants to be disrespected about their current situation.

 -  A very key important feature should you decide to date a man who makes less than you is to make it your business.  Girlfriends DO NOT need to know all of your business.  Sometimes, their input can be a hindrance, you are fully competent in communicating your wants and needs to him without outside rumblings from the peanut gallery.

TIP #5 – Trouble Don’t Last Always

Today he is down, tomorrow he may be up.  That just means that you never know what God has in store for you and your mate.  If you have chosen correctly, you chose a man who is capable of meeting all of your needs whether it is now or in god’s appointed time. 

- Don’t give up on him, and know that he is watching your examples of success.  He knows what type of woman you are and what it takes to lead you.  He is not doing this by himself, he has help.

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra


 

Friends with Benefits - 3 Things to Consider

We’ve entered into the last week of February 2014, and as promised in a previous blog, I a wrapping my series on dating with being in a “friends with Benefits” status.  This is a common status in the dating world, in fact, it’s very popular.  I’m not saying that it is right nor wrong…I’m just saying.  If ever approached with this dating option, you may want to consider these three things.

The Rules are Rarely Followed
There are rules with this dating status, and they are rarely followed.  Friends with benefits status is mainly about sex, anything other than that turns into something else or what I like to call a “play relationship”.  If you engage in pillow talk, meet for dinner or drinks before the “hook up”, attend events together, or know anything about that person’s family or family issues…you are in a “play relationship” and someone, usually, the female is the one that takes that information to heart, digests it and in her mind she begins to wonder what the two of you are doing.  As humans, we tend to share our feelings or experiences with others and when friends who sleep together do this, it causes blurred lines. 

It May Cause Emotional Harm

If you are doing any of the above, you are in a “play relationship”, and “play relationships”, hurt!  Even if you are protecting yourself physically (and let’s pray that you are), the emotional damage can and will happen to at least one of the parties involved.  If you are a friend with benefits status, it should not be long term or viewed as long term.  The longer you stay in this status, the more you are setting yourself up for failure.

Are You Settling for Less?

I can’t answer that only you can.  If your answer is yes, please know that you don’t have to.  If you desire a wholesome, positive committed relationship, there is no reason why you cannot have one.  In fact, you can start right now by loving YOURSELF unconditionally.  It may be a little hard to break away, but you can do it…I know that you can.

Yes, it may take some time, and yes, you may kiss a lot of frogs before finding your prince charming, but if you remain true to self, and most of all KNOW WHAT YOU WANT for your life, it will be well worth the wait.   

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra


 

Is it me or…Has Black History Month Changed?

When I think of the Month of February, three things come to mind…February being the shortest month of the year, Valentine’s Day and Black History Month.  But I have noticed that in recent years, Black History Month although, getting the recognition as a holiday has lost something, and I can’t quite figure out what it is.

Back In the Day

When I was a little girl, black history month was a big deal. We looked forward to it and planned for it.   In fact, in middle school, I remember we had to fight for the right to decorate the main bulletin board in the hallway outside of the principal’s office with symbols of blackness.  It was an honor to be on the decorating committee.  Nowadays, Black History Month has lost some of the lackluster that it once had.  The information being distributed in the schools, media and acknowledgements from corporate sponsors seem scripted, mundane and repetitious.  Now it seems the celebration of it is more of a politically correct nature rather than fully appreciating black history.  So I began to wonder, am I the only one feeling like this?  In the year 2014, and with all the tremendous strides African-Americans have made through the years….what is making me think differently about Black History Month?

1.       Social Injustice

The recent head scratching judicial verdicts made within our justice system of late has definably changed the way I view justice for all on so many levels.  Young black men cut down before even reaching their prime in life has always been a part of black history.  But with the recent judicial verdicts handed down by our justice system, it seems as if young African-American youths like Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis have become modern day Emmitt Tills and George Stinney Jr’s.  The situation in Valdosta Georgia with Kendrick Johnson (the young black youth whose dead body was found rolled in a gym mat at the local high school) is nonetheless baffling.  Not saying that his death is racially motivated, but why can’t his parent get any answers?  Why were his internal organs burned by the coroner’s office before they were able to get a forensic report?  Why are his parents having so much difficulty finding out what or who cause the death of their child?  It shouldn’t be this hard…I’m just saying.

2.       The State of Black Youths

The mindset of your youths has changed drastically.  With the striving for material gain, content contained on social media and sexually charged lyrics in music and video games it’s no wonder our children see life differently.  I’m not saying these are the main causes to the mindset, but the fact that these things are “in our faces” daily does not help matters either.  And what about our family unit?  True, divorce knows no color, and children are being born daily without benefit of their parents being married, still, this is no reason for parents not to be parents.  Where are the mothers, fathers, grandparent, aunties and uncles to guide and nurture our youth?  It has been said that it takes a village to raise a child, and I believe that to be true.  We have got to get our villages back on one accord!

3.       Why it’s Not a Matter of Economics

Back in the day, we seemed to have done more with less.  Nowadays, it seems that with the material things we have accumulated, we are doing less with more.  Somewhere along the way we brought more and talked less.  Communication is important, without it we become disconnected from each other.  Let’s eat together, talk together, and pray together.  It works; I know that it did in my household growing up.  I had to learn to listen to my daughter.  It took a while but talking to and listening to my mother when my daughter and I was going through rough spots helped me to see where improvement on both our parts were needed.  Remembering what my family (dad and mom) stood and stands for helped us tremendously and for that we are eternally grateful.

 The month of February is a month in which recognition is given to dead presidents, love and a specific cultural group.  Life, family and the passing down of heritage, values and moral to all generations should be happening on a daily basis.  I guess that is it, February is a month in which the richness of African- American history obtains recognition, but day-to-day life and the making of new successes, planting seeds of knowledge and getting back to the basics in our families and communities is the making of black history month 365 days a year.

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra



 

Why "Being Mary Jane" is Not Such a Good Thing

"Being Mary Jane", is the new breakout hit BET television series featuring veteran actress Gabrielle Union.  Women across America are eager to identify with this character, and there is now an “I Am Mary Jane” campaign in which women can post their reason(s) why they believe are the character. 

In the series, Mary Jane (played by Union) is a successful, career-oriented African American woman living the American dream.  On the outside all looks perfect for her. As an African-American “blue blood”, her upbringing was stellar, and she has worked hard for her dream career, beautiful home and luxury car.  Her girlfriends and confidants are just as successful as she is.  But when taking a deeper look inside her life you find that she is a lonely, desperate, insecure woman who has been and continues to be used and abused by the men she allows in her life and her family members. 

Sadly enough, she doesn’t even know what love is. 

What I find interesting about Mary Jane is that in business, her ethics are impeccable.  There are no gray lines only truth, but, there are no boundaries she will not cross in her personal life (the story line is built on her having an illicit affair with a married man), to get what she feels as unconditional love.  On one episode of the show, in an attempt to perhaps get impregnated by a potential suitor, un- be knownst to the man, after having sex, she takes the used condom into her bathroom and uses a turkey baster to abstract semen from it, and placed the specimen in her freezer.  YUCK!

The writers of this series continue to build on her faults, weaknesses and insecurities and women are eager to identify with that.  The writers of this series however have not yet begun to show the viewing audience how Mary Jane will eventually come up out of this mess that she has made of her personal life, and sadly the viewing audience is not calling for it either.  I get the writers viewpoint; they want the series to last, the more dirt and chaos, the more viewers and a longer running of the show. 

 

What I don’t understand is why women, who identify with the show, don’t call for some solutions to the problems they are facing through Union’s portrayal of this character.  Which leads me to believe that some, like Mary Jane, have become complacent in their situations meaning, staying in loveless relationships, continuing to seek love in all the wrong places, continuing  to cross boundaries they  know that they should not and continue to let family members drain them mentally, physically and financially.  Am I to assume that women who identify with this character will get their “ah-ha” moments when the writers write one for Mary Jane?  What are we doing to improve the quality of our relationships without a TV script…starting with our own self love?

Interestingly enough, I have spoken to several women who no longer watch the show.  They say it’s just too much negativity.  Negativity in the way a woman strength or lack thereof is portrayed, negative in the continuation of an affair with a married man, negative stereotypes of family life (rich or poor), and negativity in portraying  woman in general.  Besides, have you noticed that all the women in this show are woman of color?  I’m just saying.

No one is perfect, especially me, and as long as you are living and breathing you have experienced and done some things in which you may not be proud of.  That is a fact of life.  Hopefully you have learned from your mistakes and moved on better equipped to handle life’s situations and never return to that state.  And perhaps in time, the creators and writers of Being Mary Jane will come full circle and show that for this character and the viewing audience who identify with her.

Peace and blessings…

Phaedra


 

How to know that you are NOT his Valentines on Valentine’s Day

I polled single women around the Atlanta area asking about their most remembered Valentine’s Day experiences. Sadly, the majority of experiences were not good ones.  Below are actual calls and communications women have received on or before this holiday.  Some of them may make you chuckle some may cause you to reflect, some may make you down right mad! 

It made me wonder…In the game of love, why do some have to play dirty?    

The day BEFORE Valentine’s Day

Guy:  Oh bae, by the way, I have to work Valentine’s Day weekend
Girl:  B-but you don’t work weekends
Guy:  We are doing a special project that weekend and my boss says that I have to come in or else t
          there will be consequences.  It’s going to be all weekend long.

Girl:  So will I see you Valentine’s Day night?

Guy:  Probably not…Hell baby, I gotta sleep.

Guy:  coughing, hacking, wheezing…Hello (in a flu like symptom voice)

Girl:  Hey baby
Guy:  I don’t feel good, I could have the flu
Girl:  Aww, let me bring you something  ...soup, Tylenol, Vicks vapor rub…
Guy:  Noooo,N-O- absolutely not…don’t come over here at all… I should be okay by Monday

Guy:  You know that we haven’t been dating that long, not long enough to give each other gifts! 
          (You’ve been dating him for 2 years and you thought that it was exclusive…ha!)

Guy:  It’s going to be crowded in every restaurant, you know this is Atlanta. And they are going to jack up prices…tell you what, why don’t YOU just cook a nice dinner and we will have a relaxing evening…at YOUR place…AGAIN!

Valentine’s Day Eve…
Woman call Man’s phone:  
Rrring….rring…rring…(recorded message)
The number you have reached is no longer in service, please check the number and dial again.  

Guy:  Didn’t I spend the day AFTER Christmas with you?  You want me to spend Valentine’s day

           with you too? I think you’re moving too fast!

                 
Valentine’s Day…12PM:
Guy:  “Hey baby, just calling to give you a heads up, my baby momma called and my son is over there acting a fool.  I gotta go over there to see what his problem is.  I’ll call you when I leave from over there okay?”…He doesn’t call you for 1 week.

The day AFTER Valentine’s Day, message left on your voice mail:

Guy:  Baby, I’m so sorry.  I’ve been trying to call you.  What had happen was…
          I let my boy Mike borrow my car and he said that he would have it back by 3 pm…
           and then called back and said he would have it back by 5…then he called         
          and said he had a flat and had to get a new tire…  by the time he did that he
          discovered my car had an oil leak, so he had to go by auto zone a get some oil…
         and then baby guess what…the transmission blew out on me…I’m sorry baby, I’ll make
          it up to you okay?

Guy:  Nah, nah, you misunderstood me; I didn’t say that we were together; I said that SOMETIMES

          we “get together”.  It’s a big difference in that shawaty!

Valentine’s Day can be trying for many single individuals.  But just remember, it’s just another day.  From the moment you are blessed to wake up that morning, to the moment you are thankful to lie down that night, be thankful that you have seen yet another day. 

Love comes in many forms and trust that throughout that day, you have experienced some type of love.  So be glad and rejoice in that.

Peace and blessings...

 Phaedra

 

Dating Series – Is He Sending Mixed Signals?

I’ve learned that people say what they mean and make time for the things that they want to make time for.  Most times, we hear but do not listen to what is being said, and instead make our own interpretation based off what we see and feel.  Most times it is our interpretation that gets us into trouble.  You’ve seen and perhaps experienced this before:

Girl meets guy, there is a mutual attraction, a mutual interest and they hang out.  During the initial hang out session, guy tells girl “Listen, I’m not looking for a relationship, I just want to be friends and hang out from time-to-time”.   The girl, who knows in her heart that she is clearly looking for love whispers to herself “why not, I’m tired of going places by myself anyway”, and in they jump into the newfound “friendship”.

Pretty soon, because of the way he is treating you, calling and inviting you over for home cooked meals, movie night, the late nights with wine and conversation and sex you find yourself wondering whether this is a friendship or if the two of you are dating.

What is this Friendship Crap?

I can tell you what it is in one word…SEX! Okay more than one word, SEX with no ties, strings or responsibilities.  If you understand that, then you should also know when and how long you should be able to continue with it.  If you want to be friends, hang out and just chill with someone, then go for it and enjoy the ride.  If you are true to self in this respect, coupledom will not be an issue for you.

There is an upcoming article on the do’s and don’ts of being a friend with benefits.

The Male Mind vs. the Female Mind

It is a known fact that men take a longer time to decide when and to whom they will give a lifelong commitment to.  It’s just in their nature to be like that  You may be with a man for years, and go through hell and back with them.  It is not that they don’t appreciate or respect you.  In fact, it’s the opposite, they trust you and confide in you knowing that you are the ride or die chick they need in their life, but if they are not ready to name you as the one there will definitely be more hell to overcome.  It’s like what Samantha Jones, a character on the HBO hit series “Sex in the City” said “Men are like taxi cabs, they can ride around the city all day with their taxi light off, but when it comes on, they are ready for business”.  So until that “light” comes on, there is nothing you can do to change your current dating situation.

To the male, being friends is exactly what he said…hanging out from time-to-time and being friends, most times, friends with benefits.  Perfect score for him, he gets to do all the things he would normally do with buddies and other “friends” and sleep and hang out with you and although he is getting to know you, he’s NOT interested in coupledom right now.  When a man tells you what he wants and doesn’t want that’s really what he wants or does not want.

To the female, all the spending time together  and treating you as you are supposed to be treated equals that it’s the beginning of a relationship, but here’s the problem…it’s not a relationship.  He has told you what he wanted so take his word for it!  It is as simple as that.  Just because he treats you nice doesn’t make you “the one”.  I’m just saying.

What Do I Do?
What you do depends on what you want.  If you are in pursuit of love, then don’t settle for being “just friends” with someone.  Honest and mature individuals can verbalize what they want and just how fast or slow they want to go.  The conversation may go something like this “let’s spend time getting to know one another first and see if this is something that we want to pursue”.  Translation, I like you enough to see where this will go, and their actions will be the deciding factor. 

Yes, it may be hard to pass up companionship; after all, no one wants to be alone.  But in this type of situation, it is just companionship, nothing more.  If you are truly honest with yourself and you truly want a real meaningful chance at love, passing on this person is just a chance you have to be willing to take. You may have to show him the “true” meaning of friendship.   If he has a change of heart, trust and believe he will be back, but this time with a renewed mind, words and actions that show it.  If not, then you remained true to yourself which allows that right man who truly seeks love to come into your life.  It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible.

 

Peace and Blessings,

Phaedra