Dating Series – Is He Sending Mixed Signals?

I’ve learned that people say what they mean and make time for the things that they want to make time for.  Most times, we hear but do not listen to what is being said, and instead make our own interpretation based off what we see and feel.  Most times it is our interpretation that gets us into trouble.  You’ve seen and perhaps experienced this before:

Girl meets guy, there is a mutual attraction, a mutual interest and they hang out.  During the initial hang out session, guy tells girl “Listen, I’m not looking for a relationship, I just want to be friends and hang out from time-to-time”.   The girl, who knows in her heart that she is clearly looking for love whispers to herself “why not, I’m tired of going places by myself anyway”, and in they jump into the newfound “friendship”.

Pretty soon, because of the way he is treating you, calling and inviting you over for home cooked meals, movie night, the late nights with wine and conversation and sex you find yourself wondering whether this is a friendship or if the two of you are dating.

What is this Friendship Crap?

I can tell you what it is in one word…SEX! Okay more than one word, SEX with no ties, strings or responsibilities.  If you understand that, then you should also know when and how long you should be able to continue with it.  If you want to be friends, hang out and just chill with someone, then go for it and enjoy the ride.  If you are true to self in this respect, coupledom will not be an issue for you.

There is an upcoming article on the do’s and don’ts of being a friend with benefits.

The Male Mind vs. the Female Mind

It is a known fact that men take a longer time to decide when and to whom they will give a lifelong commitment to.  It’s just in their nature to be like that  You may be with a man for years, and go through hell and back with them.  It is not that they don’t appreciate or respect you.  In fact, it’s the opposite, they trust you and confide in you knowing that you are the ride or die chick they need in their life, but if they are not ready to name you as the one there will definitely be more hell to overcome.  It’s like what Samantha Jones, a character on the HBO hit series “Sex in the City” said “Men are like taxi cabs, they can ride around the city all day with their taxi light off, but when it comes on, they are ready for business”.  So until that “light” comes on, there is nothing you can do to change your current dating situation.

To the male, being friends is exactly what he said…hanging out from time-to-time and being friends, most times, friends with benefits.  Perfect score for him, he gets to do all the things he would normally do with buddies and other “friends” and sleep and hang out with you and although he is getting to know you, he’s NOT interested in coupledom right now.  When a man tells you what he wants and doesn’t want that’s really what he wants or does not want.

To the female, all the spending time together  and treating you as you are supposed to be treated equals that it’s the beginning of a relationship, but here’s the problem…it’s not a relationship.  He has told you what he wanted so take his word for it!  It is as simple as that.  Just because he treats you nice doesn’t make you “the one”.  I’m just saying.

What Do I Do?
What you do depends on what you want.  If you are in pursuit of love, then don’t settle for being “just friends” with someone.  Honest and mature individuals can verbalize what they want and just how fast or slow they want to go.  The conversation may go something like this “let’s spend time getting to know one another first and see if this is something that we want to pursue”.  Translation, I like you enough to see where this will go, and their actions will be the deciding factor. 

Yes, it may be hard to pass up companionship; after all, no one wants to be alone.  But in this type of situation, it is just companionship, nothing more.  If you are truly honest with yourself and you truly want a real meaningful chance at love, passing on this person is just a chance you have to be willing to take. You may have to show him the “true” meaning of friendship.   If he has a change of heart, trust and believe he will be back, but this time with a renewed mind, words and actions that show it.  If not, then you remained true to yourself which allows that right man who truly seeks love to come into your life.  It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible.

 

Peace and Blessings,

Phaedra