Black Women Wonder…Does The Black Man Have Our Back?

Before the story about Rachel Dolezal broke, I had been reading the comments and post of black men on social media sites complaining about black women, our appearance, our wearing hair weave, too much make up, dating/marrying outside of our race and  us being jealous, lying, greedy deceptive women.   They were complaining and said that they were tired of it.  Many of them also said the black women “need to get it together and stop acting like something that were not…white.   Black women have for a long time heard this tiresome rant from our black men as if we were somehow not true to ourselves and not good enough.  Then Rachel’s story broke and surprisingly I found that a lot of black men rallied behind this woman.  I mean really?  The same thing black men accuse black women of; Rachel Dolezal has been doing for years.  Think about it…she wears hair weaves, braids and extensions, she wears too much makeup and darkens her skin color for effect, she is a liar, and deceived many people.  Now all of a sudden her “faux black identity” and “seemingly good deeds in the black community” is acceptable to black men?  But this article is not about Rachael Dolezal.  This article is about the growing misguided perceptions that some black men have towards black women making us wonder…Does The Black Man Have Our Back?

Double Standards

I am very curious as to why in our black men’s eyes, black women are perceived differently than other races.  I am curious as to why they hold us accountable for the same traits and choices that woman of non color and different nationalities possess as well.  I can only assume that it has something to do with the conditioning of a black man’s mind.  This conditioning goes way back. It is the thinking that the “forbidden fruit” is the lesser of two evils, and God forbid if she is appearing to be helping the black community.   Well this definitely means that she is more serious and committed to the black community than black women.  Feeding, clothing, educating, nurturing, and empowering our children so that they grow to be strong successful members in the community I guess does not add value to our black communities.  This is how many black women “hold it down” and they are proud of that, but don’t discount the black woman when she is not a card carrying member of the NAACP. This too makes us wonder…if you truly have our back.   

Black women wear weaves and wigs because they want to be white 

Frankly, I do not know when black men came up with this notion that a black woman who wears a straight weave is trying to be white.  Listen carefully…black women wear weaves and wigs BECAUSE THEY CAN, and BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.  Black women know that they are black and instead of trying to change their ethnicity, they are in fact changing their look for style and fashion…that is it, that is all.  Black women wear weaves and wigs because of convenience.  Black women wear weaves and wigs to add length their hair, to let it rest between perms and to cover up an illness or scalp disease.  Black women wear weaves and wigs for many reasons but believing that they are white because they do so is not one of those reasons. Why must black women justify why they want to wear their hair in a different way?  They don’t.  Please don’t discount her blackness by what she puts on or in her hair, she is more than that. This too makes us wonder…if you truly have our back.

Black Women are Jealous of White Women

No absolutely not…untruth.  Black women are not jealous of white women.  Being female is universal to all women. But let’s face facts, black women have to watch what they say and watch the manner in which they relay information.  They are over worked and underpaid. Black women have to be better than just to survive.   Black women must master the art of communication, negotiation and disagreement so that they are not labeled as “difficult” and “aggressive”.  Black women are perceived as angry and argumentative, and when it comes to love and relationships,  70  percent of black women are unmarried (meaning either having never been married, divorced, separate or widowed) compared to 45 percent of unmarried white women.  Black women are not jealous…black women are just plain ‘ol tired.  And when a black man makes these types of comments, it makes us wonder…if you truly have our back.

Honestly, I am hurt and saddened that it took three words "I am black" from this woman's mouth to believe in the black woman, when everyday they don't seem to listen to the sister standing behind him in a grocery store or sleeping beside him in their bed.  It hurts and feels like a slap in our faces.

There are two things that I am proud of: being a woman, and being black.  I take immense pride in being both, and being both is not easy.  It was not a choice, and honestly if I had the luxury to choose over, I would not change a thing.  I appreciate and acknowledge the great strides and peril my foremothers before me endured.  I would like to think that if I were in their shoes at that time, I would have risen to the occasion as they had.  Black women need our men to see us, have our backs and love us unconditionally.  So, I’ve changed my mind about this article and I can do this because I’m the one writing it…this article is not about the misguided perceptions black men have of black women, this article is about the cry of black women to black men for them to have our backs.

Until next my lovelies…peace and blessings,

Phaedra

 

Welcome to Living in Atlanta: Attitude with Gratitude

Welcome to Living in Atlanta: Attitude with Gratitude: Just when you think that your life couldn’t get any more amazing, it does.   It’s not that anything particular has happened…a goal be...



 

Attitude with Gratitude

Just when you think that your life couldn’t get any more amazing, it does.  It’s not that anything particular has happened…a goal being met, money or finding that soul mate that you have been open to.  All these things are great to have, but if you focus on just that you are living a shell of a life. The key is to realize that life your life is amazing.  That’s the power of “attitude with gratitude”. 

A feeling so intense that it automatically makes the corners of your mouth curl up into this big, broad bodacious smile for what many would assume as for no reason at all.  The intense feeling that makes you cock your head to one side and say out loud “yeah, anything is possible, I did that”.  The power of attitude with gratitude knows that even though you say “I did this”, you know that behind the scene, there is a host of individuals, thoughts, and visions supporting you in your ventures.  You are not and never will be alone. 

And if you think that’s good, here is something even better.  You can have an amazing life any time and in any place you want because it is what YOU create.  You don’t have to wait for someone to give it to you; a particular thing doesn’t need to happen before it can start…you can summon it any time you want.  All it takes is for you to ask for it…gratitude…commitment…vision…belief…love and…you.

Until next time my lovelies…

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra

 

Welcome to Living in Atlanta: Shutting Ego Out

Welcome to Living in Atlanta: Shutting Ego Out: When you shut ego out, you give up the “me first” attitude, you give up the what’s in it for me dance, competition and negotiations. ...



 

Shutting Ego Out

When you shut ego out, you give up the “me first” attitude, you give up the what’s in it for me dance, competition and negotiations.  In this world of “what about me”, humans tend to feel they are compromising themselves if their thoughts and actions are pointed in the opposite direction.  We are taught at a very tender age about survival of the fittest and only the strong survive.  While having this attitude is beneficial, there are situations in life in which shutting out ego is a dominant show of strength and survival.

For the past few years, I have been on a journey that caused me to question my beliefs, intentions and perceptions that I had always believed to be true.  I remain on this journey learning as I go and putting into practice what I have learned.  Until that period of my life, I had always thought that I had pretty much what I wanted and why wouldn’t I think so?  The goals that I set for myself, I attained.  I have a strong, attentive supportive family, a small intimate circle of good friends, and finally, I had me and the knowledge of how to get what I wanted when I wanted it.  Then the dam broke and the majority of what I knew to be truth was no longer working.  My strength weakened and my new set of goals in life appeared unattainable.  I could not help but wonder why this happening, and what did I needed to change to turn it around?

This was when I began to learn about the two most powerful energies in the universe, Love and Ego. I discovered that I was operating more in one type of energy than the other, and it began to take its toll on my life.  Ego, that nasty little debilitating road block began to wreak havoc in my life, while love, in its truest form began to strengthen me beyond measure.  The other truth I realized was that I was quick to preach love yet slow to operate in it. 

 Love says “give” - Ego says “give to a certain point”

Love says “be happy for everyone” – Ego says “what’s in it for me”?

Love says “be limitless in me – Ego says “love as much as they love you”

I recently spent time with a dear friend who for all intent and purposes had just gone through hell.  Loss of a loved one in death is no small matter; it leaves a hole in your heart that at the time you feel like can never be filled.  There are memories that are timeless in which you can no longer share with the person.  There appears to be no relief to ease your broken heart and happiness comes and goes.  And the fact is that I love my friend as they loved the person lost to death.  Being invited to share their space so soon after this occurrence was something that I had never experienced before.  My friend is strong, committed, trustworthy and loving.  My friend is gentle, kind and fearless…my friend is hurting.

 Love says “bring comfort” – Ego says “for how long”

Love says “be present in this moment” – Ego says “what’s in store for the future”

Love says “be supportive” – Ego says “why?”

It did not take me long to recognize ego, it’s always present; it is part of our human imperfection.  BUT LOVE is always present and it is stronger and kicks ass!  If I were to have been placed in this experience prior to my journey, I would have missed out on the beauty of love beyond measure.  I would have missed the beauty of putting someone else’s need in front of my own need.  I could have possibly lost my friend. That is the one thing that I would not have wanted.  What I know for sure is that all is well.  I know that love conquers all and that when a friend in need calls, you go and give whatever it is that they need.  You feed them and whatever it is that spirit requires of you to do, you do it with the purest of intentions.  You set your feelings aside and shut out ego because it is nothing but a selfless self-serving fear that never does anyone any good.  I am stronger for it, and I know that my friend is to because they showed love and commitment in its highest form .

So, my lovelies whenever you are called upon to love remember to:  LOVE, give, be limitless, comfort, be present and supportive.  The rest is irrelevant. 

Until next time my lovelies…Peace and blessings,

Phaedra

 

Welcome to Living in Atlanta: Have Your Ever Just Listened?

Welcome to Living in Atlanta: Have Your Ever Just Listened?: Have you ever listened to conversations amongst small children?   Most of the time, they are debating a particular perception like… is tha...



 

Have Your Ever Just Listened?

Have you ever listened to conversations amongst small children?  Most of the time, they are debating a particular perception like… is that a spider on the rug or just a black spot?  Their dialogue though juvenile in delivery has a consciousness of their own particular belief.  To most adults, their dialogue is comical and entertaining.   But if you listen closely, you will begin to see that children have a language of their own, a perception of right and wrong that is not tainted by the evidence of being older and experienced.  They know what they know and that is all.  They can debate it, and then leave it alone. Have you ever just taken a moment to just listen?

Have you ever listened to the sound of chirping birds?  In the mornings, when all is new a fresh and the past is no more, you hear the sounds that the early bird makes to start their day.  Most humans attribute this sound to their singing and it’s a sweet melody to human ears.  But perhaps, just maybe it is their way of communicating with each other , warning other birds of potential danger, or a good spot they have found for their morning meal, or maybe where they will be congregating together later in the day.  Have you ever just taken a moment to just listen?

Have you ever listened to the sounds of a city at on a rainy night?  On the surface you hear sirens, from police cars and fire trucks, distant muffled voices from a crowd of passersby, babies crying and people laughing.  But if you listen closely you can also hear the rain drops as they hit the already wet pavement or street.  You can hear the drops hitting a roof and trickling down to its next destination... leaves, bushes or a grassy knoll.  It’s a pattern, much like the pattern of life.  Have you ever just taken a moment to just listen?

These are three examples of perception and the way we choose to see, hear and process what surrounds us. We never truly listen to what the universe is saying to us about our surroundings. It shows me that the sights, vibrations and words merely hit my surface and that my opinion is quickly formed never to really taking the time to consider it being anything different.  To put it plainly, I use to take it for granted.  But there is a meaning to everything we encounter.  The meaning does not have to be grand.   It is often times simple, and it is there, my lovelies where the true beauty lies….if we just take the time to listen.

 So until the next time my lovelies…peace and blessings,

Phaedra