Wudda, Cudda, Shudda!

If you are thinking to yourself that by now you should have done this, or could have done that, you are defeating yourself!  Thinking about the past does not move you forward.  But yet, some think this phrase is motivating.  This thought is one of the reasons why you haven’t gotten any further than you are right now.

Says Who?

You say “you should be further along than this”, and I say…”Who says?”  If the opportunity, position, spouse, relationship, or family was handed to you right now, what would you do?  Do you know?  All I am saying is this, saying that we should be at a certain point in our life just because we are at a certain age or in a certain career does not mean that we would have known how to handle it.  What do you have in place that has prepared you for the transition? 

·         When you get the position, along with the new and challenging projects, are you ready for new team members?  What behaviors would you leave behind or take to your new team?

·         When you get that full-time committed relationship, are you willing to make unselfish sacrifices without complaining? Are you really ready for someone to occupy your space on a full-time basis?

·         When you become parent, are you ready to unselfishly give up your lifestyle as you know it and embrace all that comes with parenthood?

Want vs. Purpose

There is always a void in your life when your wants are not aligned with your purpose.  Before saying where you think that you should be first, figure out your purpose in life.  Finding your purpose is a time consuming journey. Not everyone can be president, but everyone can contribute to the world in one way or another.  As you find your purpose in the world you also begin to walk into what has been destined for you to obtain and grow to.  Find your purpose…find your life.

Your Thoughts Govern Your Actions

Being mindful of how our thoughts are manifested in by words, we would be careful with our thinking.  If you are always staying to yourself and others “I know that I should be further along than this”, you are actually complaining and doubting the place where you are right now.  Be grateful for where you are at the moment and plan your next move with purpose and not desperation. How you phrase your words makes all the difference in the world.

A defeated mentality gets you nothing but defeat, so stop living in the past and leave the wudda, cudda and shudda behind.

Peace and Blessings,

Phaedra


 

I BELIEVE...DO YOU?

Have you ever been in a head space where it took all you had just to put one foot in front of the other just to move forward?  A day where there is so much on your mind that as you were thinking about one thing, you didn’t even realize a switch in your train of thought?   When spiritually you know that “this too shall pass” but you have allowed your earthly eye to see your current situation in the most negative light, which only magnifies the pressures of life, and sends those reflections throughout your body, into your brain so that it begins to implant that negativity into your heart?  If so, it is at that moment you should be shouting, yelling, no, screaming the two most powerful words in the universe.  Those words are…I BELIEVE!

These two words evoke power and strengthen the process of speaking, and bringing the things ordained for you into existence.  Just like a chiropractor would perform exercises to bring your body into alignment, speaking these two words brings our mind, body and soul back into alignment.  We begin to adjust to what was said by acting accordingly.  Now, I don’t know about you, but the best way for me to see light is to hear light.  My “I BELIEVE” affirmation re-builds, reinforces, reassures, invigorates and propels me to keep on going. Here is one of my “I BELIEVE” affirmations.  I am interested in reading yours, please feel free to write me at atlrealliving@gmail.com and tell me yours.

 I BELIEVE in…

God
Love
Family
Forgiveness
The power of one
The strength of two
The success of many
Happiness
Moments
My abilities
My good health
My financial strength

Peace and blessings,
Phaedra



 



 

I Hurt, You Hurt – The Power of Forgiveness

I heard the phrase “I hurt, you hurt” years ago from a friend, who at the time was going through a divorce and had received paperwork from her soon-to-be ex-husband’s lawyer requesting settlement of their impending divorce.  Through her anger, hurt and frustrations she uttered those words vowing to make their divorce most uncomfortable divorce ever…and it was.  The gift of forgiveness was not known to me at the time, and I ignorantly co-signed this sentiment along with her by saying “a girls’ gotta do what a girls’ gotta do. And through the years as I experienced hardships and trials; some from my own doing and some not, subconsciously adopted the same attitude.  I didn’t want to physically hurt others, but I did not want them to do well nor did the thought of forgiveness EVER cross my mind.

A person’s not forgiving or caring to forgive brings more hurt and pain in life.  And while it is simple to say, forgiveness is very hard to do.  You may be like me in that when I hear something that resonates with me, my next question is “How”?  How does one begin to forgive, it is more than merely saying I am sorry.

·         Follow Your Belief System’s Teachings on Forgiveness

·         Have a Forgiving Mindset

·         Forgiveness is Give,  Not Necessarily Take

What Does Your Belief System Say About Forgiveness?
Every belief system has advice on forgiveness.  For years, I read in the bible on how to forgive one another, but seldom practiced it.  The question is… do we practice what we preach?  Do we even attempt to practice it or are we so bogged down in our hurt and pain that we overlook what we have been raised to believe?  Hebrews 4:12 says “The word of god is alive and sharper than any two-edge sword and judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart”.  With a word this powerful, why not start there seeking and putting into practice what we need to do in order to forgive.

Have a Forgiving Mindset

When wronged, we tend to focus on the wrong doer’s actions and intent, and forgiveness is not thought about at this point.  I’m not saying that the wrong should be dismissed, and that it should not be investigated and discussed, but in addition to why it happens, an immediate thought of how to resolve it should be in the forefront. The sooner we have in our heart to forgive, the better our situation becomes.

Forgiveness is Give,  Not Necessarily Take

There are times when we have been wronged, and there are times when we are the wrong doers.  Forgiveness is a two way street and it is give and take.  Sometimes, when we have committed the wrong and need to ask forgiveness from someone else, the person on the other end does not accept our forgiveness.  And I want you to know that it’s okay.  Forgiveness is a two-way street, you travel down your street to seek, say and mean it, and it’s up to the other person to travel up their street to hear, accept and mean it.  So travel your street with honesty and integrity, and let the other person travel theirs. 

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra


 

I Make More Money Than My Man

In the dating world, the phrase “dating down” is often used.  Many think of dating down as meaning one person in the relationship brings more financially to the table than the other.  Quite often we see this when a financially secure male rescues and marries the female who is struggling just to make ends meet.  Times have changed in that women are seeing the fruits of their labor mature and are making salaries comparable to their male counter parts, but the dating pool of men who are considered a financial fit is shrinking at alarming rates.  And in Atlanta, you are bound to run into this situation. So I have to wonder… Is there a problem with dating a man who make less money than you? 

Tip #1 - Be Honest with Yourself
If you prefer not to date or marry a man who makes less than you, don’t get involved with anyone making less.  It’s not that you are a bad person, this is your belief and you have that right!  Don’t settle for what you are not comfortable with.  You will not be happy if you choose to pursue this, and it will cause serious problems for you and him.  I’m just saying.

Tip #2 - He Who Has the Money Makes the Rules
In one word, the above mentioned title means “control”.  I know that it sounds a bit harsh but usually that is the way it goes.  It is difficult as a money and decision maker to hand over the reins to a person who doesn’t do that in the corporate world.  Being in control at all times can make a woman appear masculine and emasculates the male.

 – Right off the bat…take money out of it.  Discover each other’s strong suits and build off that.  Example, he budgets well and can enjoy life’s pleasures, then he would be the one in charge of planning dinners, outings and vacations.  There are all types of controls to be shared in a relationship find them, respect them and build off of them.

Tip #3 - Set Realistic Expectations

Skiing in the South of France, weekend trips to Morocco, dining in Rome…not going to happen like that!  You are involved with a man who has limited resources, why would you expect him to do those things? Hell, have you even done those things yourself? 

-  Setting realistic expectations and knowing what your mate can and cannot do at that time, makes it easier to enjoy them.

Tip #4- Maintain a Level of Respect

Just because he earns less does not make him less, just like your earn more doesn’t make you more.  Be respectful of each other’s feelings and situations.  No one wants to be disrespected about their current situation.

 -  A very key important feature should you decide to date a man who makes less than you is to make it your business.  Girlfriends DO NOT need to know all of your business.  Sometimes, their input can be a hindrance, you are fully competent in communicating your wants and needs to him without outside rumblings from the peanut gallery.

TIP #5 – Trouble Don’t Last Always

Today he is down, tomorrow he may be up.  That just means that you never know what God has in store for you and your mate.  If you have chosen correctly, you chose a man who is capable of meeting all of your needs whether it is now or in god’s appointed time. 

- Don’t give up on him, and know that he is watching your examples of success.  He knows what type of woman you are and what it takes to lead you.  He is not doing this by himself, he has help.

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra


 

Friends with Benefits - 3 Things to Consider

We’ve entered into the last week of February 2014, and as promised in a previous blog, I a wrapping my series on dating with being in a “friends with Benefits” status.  This is a common status in the dating world, in fact, it’s very popular.  I’m not saying that it is right nor wrong…I’m just saying.  If ever approached with this dating option, you may want to consider these three things.

The Rules are Rarely Followed
There are rules with this dating status, and they are rarely followed.  Friends with benefits status is mainly about sex, anything other than that turns into something else or what I like to call a “play relationship”.  If you engage in pillow talk, meet for dinner or drinks before the “hook up”, attend events together, or know anything about that person’s family or family issues…you are in a “play relationship” and someone, usually, the female is the one that takes that information to heart, digests it and in her mind she begins to wonder what the two of you are doing.  As humans, we tend to share our feelings or experiences with others and when friends who sleep together do this, it causes blurred lines. 

It May Cause Emotional Harm

If you are doing any of the above, you are in a “play relationship”, and “play relationships”, hurt!  Even if you are protecting yourself physically (and let’s pray that you are), the emotional damage can and will happen to at least one of the parties involved.  If you are a friend with benefits status, it should not be long term or viewed as long term.  The longer you stay in this status, the more you are setting yourself up for failure.

Are You Settling for Less?

I can’t answer that only you can.  If your answer is yes, please know that you don’t have to.  If you desire a wholesome, positive committed relationship, there is no reason why you cannot have one.  In fact, you can start right now by loving YOURSELF unconditionally.  It may be a little hard to break away, but you can do it…I know that you can.

Yes, it may take some time, and yes, you may kiss a lot of frogs before finding your prince charming, but if you remain true to self, and most of all KNOW WHAT YOU WANT for your life, it will be well worth the wait.   

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra


 

Is it me or…Has Black History Month Changed?

When I think of the Month of February, three things come to mind…February being the shortest month of the year, Valentine’s Day and Black History Month.  But I have noticed that in recent years, Black History Month although, getting the recognition as a holiday has lost something, and I can’t quite figure out what it is.

Back In the Day

When I was a little girl, black history month was a big deal. We looked forward to it and planned for it.   In fact, in middle school, I remember we had to fight for the right to decorate the main bulletin board in the hallway outside of the principal’s office with symbols of blackness.  It was an honor to be on the decorating committee.  Nowadays, Black History Month has lost some of the lackluster that it once had.  The information being distributed in the schools, media and acknowledgements from corporate sponsors seem scripted, mundane and repetitious.  Now it seems the celebration of it is more of a politically correct nature rather than fully appreciating black history.  So I began to wonder, am I the only one feeling like this?  In the year 2014, and with all the tremendous strides African-Americans have made through the years….what is making me think differently about Black History Month?

1.       Social Injustice

The recent head scratching judicial verdicts made within our justice system of late has definably changed the way I view justice for all on so many levels.  Young black men cut down before even reaching their prime in life has always been a part of black history.  But with the recent judicial verdicts handed down by our justice system, it seems as if young African-American youths like Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis have become modern day Emmitt Tills and George Stinney Jr’s.  The situation in Valdosta Georgia with Kendrick Johnson (the young black youth whose dead body was found rolled in a gym mat at the local high school) is nonetheless baffling.  Not saying that his death is racially motivated, but why can’t his parent get any answers?  Why were his internal organs burned by the coroner’s office before they were able to get a forensic report?  Why are his parents having so much difficulty finding out what or who cause the death of their child?  It shouldn’t be this hard…I’m just saying.

2.       The State of Black Youths

The mindset of your youths has changed drastically.  With the striving for material gain, content contained on social media and sexually charged lyrics in music and video games it’s no wonder our children see life differently.  I’m not saying these are the main causes to the mindset, but the fact that these things are “in our faces” daily does not help matters either.  And what about our family unit?  True, divorce knows no color, and children are being born daily without benefit of their parents being married, still, this is no reason for parents not to be parents.  Where are the mothers, fathers, grandparent, aunties and uncles to guide and nurture our youth?  It has been said that it takes a village to raise a child, and I believe that to be true.  We have got to get our villages back on one accord!

3.       Why it’s Not a Matter of Economics

Back in the day, we seemed to have done more with less.  Nowadays, it seems that with the material things we have accumulated, we are doing less with more.  Somewhere along the way we brought more and talked less.  Communication is important, without it we become disconnected from each other.  Let’s eat together, talk together, and pray together.  It works; I know that it did in my household growing up.  I had to learn to listen to my daughter.  It took a while but talking to and listening to my mother when my daughter and I was going through rough spots helped me to see where improvement on both our parts were needed.  Remembering what my family (dad and mom) stood and stands for helped us tremendously and for that we are eternally grateful.

 The month of February is a month in which recognition is given to dead presidents, love and a specific cultural group.  Life, family and the passing down of heritage, values and moral to all generations should be happening on a daily basis.  I guess that is it, February is a month in which the richness of African- American history obtains recognition, but day-to-day life and the making of new successes, planting seeds of knowledge and getting back to the basics in our families and communities is the making of black history month 365 days a year.

Peace and blessings,

Phaedra



 

Why "Being Mary Jane" is Not Such a Good Thing

"Being Mary Jane", is the new breakout hit BET television series featuring veteran actress Gabrielle Union.  Women across America are eager to identify with this character, and there is now an “I Am Mary Jane” campaign in which women can post their reason(s) why they believe are the character. 

In the series, Mary Jane (played by Union) is a successful, career-oriented African American woman living the American dream.  On the outside all looks perfect for her. As an African-American “blue blood”, her upbringing was stellar, and she has worked hard for her dream career, beautiful home and luxury car.  Her girlfriends and confidants are just as successful as she is.  But when taking a deeper look inside her life you find that she is a lonely, desperate, insecure woman who has been and continues to be used and abused by the men she allows in her life and her family members. 

Sadly enough, she doesn’t even know what love is. 

What I find interesting about Mary Jane is that in business, her ethics are impeccable.  There are no gray lines only truth, but, there are no boundaries she will not cross in her personal life (the story line is built on her having an illicit affair with a married man), to get what she feels as unconditional love.  On one episode of the show, in an attempt to perhaps get impregnated by a potential suitor, un- be knownst to the man, after having sex, she takes the used condom into her bathroom and uses a turkey baster to abstract semen from it, and placed the specimen in her freezer.  YUCK!

The writers of this series continue to build on her faults, weaknesses and insecurities and women are eager to identify with that.  The writers of this series however have not yet begun to show the viewing audience how Mary Jane will eventually come up out of this mess that she has made of her personal life, and sadly the viewing audience is not calling for it either.  I get the writers viewpoint; they want the series to last, the more dirt and chaos, the more viewers and a longer running of the show. 

 

What I don’t understand is why women, who identify with the show, don’t call for some solutions to the problems they are facing through Union’s portrayal of this character.  Which leads me to believe that some, like Mary Jane, have become complacent in their situations meaning, staying in loveless relationships, continuing to seek love in all the wrong places, continuing  to cross boundaries they  know that they should not and continue to let family members drain them mentally, physically and financially.  Am I to assume that women who identify with this character will get their “ah-ha” moments when the writers write one for Mary Jane?  What are we doing to improve the quality of our relationships without a TV script…starting with our own self love?

Interestingly enough, I have spoken to several women who no longer watch the show.  They say it’s just too much negativity.  Negativity in the way a woman strength or lack thereof is portrayed, negative in the continuation of an affair with a married man, negative stereotypes of family life (rich or poor), and negativity in portraying  woman in general.  Besides, have you noticed that all the women in this show are woman of color?  I’m just saying.

No one is perfect, especially me, and as long as you are living and breathing you have experienced and done some things in which you may not be proud of.  That is a fact of life.  Hopefully you have learned from your mistakes and moved on better equipped to handle life’s situations and never return to that state.  And perhaps in time, the creators and writers of Being Mary Jane will come full circle and show that for this character and the viewing audience who identify with her.

Peace and blessings…

Phaedra