In Relationships: Why Do We Self-Sabotage?

You meet a guy and right away you are attracted to him.  He’s handsome, knowledgeable, and worldly and has a wicked sense of humor.  He makes you smile.  The first few months are the “get to know you” stage.  He is an open book, transparent even.  He knows that if he says too much you will run away and if he says too little you will still run, so he provides you with the perfect balance of the good, bad and ugly with truth being at its core.  In this imperfect world, he appears perfect; meanwhile, you are waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Does this sound familiar? 

This article focuses on the ways in which we sabotage an otherwise good relationship, and often times when we realize it it’s too late. So what’s a girl to do to side-step the trap of self-sabotage and what are the ways we can sabotage a relationship?

TRYING TO LIVE THE PERFECT LIE

In the single girl’s world we dream of the perfect man.  Sounds good right? But reality is there is no such thing as a perfect man.  It’s a myth, urban legend, hell, it’s a lie.  But still that is what we think we will find when we find love.  So when this attractive, worldly, wickedly funny man enters your life, you instantly attach the myth of perfection to him.  If a man has told you the bad and ugly of his past, the question now becomes in the immortal words of Colonel Nathan Jessep, in the movie A Few Good Men…Can You Handle the Truth?! Instead will you choose to apply the past into your future together?  This is the foundation of self-sabotage.  Although he may be a good man…he is not a perfect one.  He will make mistakes and sometimes even disappoint, but you have to talk about it, not accuse, because communication is key.  

More importantly you will see that as time goes on, he is not the total package, he’s human.  If in the beginning you can see his core, if he constantly possesses the qualities essential to build a strong union together, then that is what you work with, because you cannot mold clay from steel.  There is no such thing as a ready-made man, or woman.

Fear and Ego:  The Dangerous Duo

Everyone has a past.  You have one don’t you?  Then what makes you think that he doesn’t and better yet, what makes you think that when he says “that’s in the past” he lying?  If your past is behind you…then why can’t his be behind him?  Fear of someone creeping back into position is possible with your thoughts and constant talk about his past ways often brings them into your situation.  Everything dream or problem starts with a thought.  The power of the manifestation is real! 

Fear produces nothing good and feeds that little monster called the ego.  Instead of thinking about what happened in his past, concentrate on his behavior and treatment of you.  Remember the bad and ugly mention in the beginning of this article; do you see any traces of that in your relationship?  This is a good indicator to help you see the man he is with you, and not the man he has told you about in his past.  If you see traces of his former bad behavior, you know my motto “cut ties and move on”.  If not, continue on your journey together making a new start and new memories.  To be honest, there will be some traces of his past that will be in your future mainly due to the fact that he may have a child or children from a previous relationship.  This you cannot deny.  But it is the way in which he handles this part of his past that will quiet your fear and tame your ego.   You had nothing to do with his past and fear and ego places it directly into the pathway your future. 

  

Insecurity

This topic, my lovelies has nothing to do with him, but EVERYTHING to do with you.  An insecure person is not fit to be in any type of relationship as their insecurity will surely cause it to fail. If you are an insecure person it is you who are living in the past, not him.  YOU are the one drawing on past experiences and applying it in your current situation when there is no real evidence for it.  Insecurity feeds into fear and ego; the three go hand-in-hand.  Know that being in love and in relationship with your mate consist of hard work, patience, self-less-ness and most of all vulnerability. An insecure person cannot be all four. Being open and vulnerable is one of the strongest traits that you can possess, and I want you to possess it.  Self-assurance causes you to know the difference between patterns of bad behavior and self-sabotage.  Self-assurance, if warranted, allows you to move on from those old patterns and opens your heart for the “real thing”. 

Not every apple on the tree will be a good apple. I say, let it fall to the ground and reach higher for the deep red, juicy, delicious one.  It’s there…we just have to keep on picking.

Until next time my lovelies, remember…there’s only love.  

Peace & blessings

Phaedra